“Rory”: an introduction

I have a “friend” named “Rory.”

We went to high school together. Or something. As I’ve mentioned before, my memory isn’t so hot!

What I do remember, very clearly, is this one time when I was 15 and working at a health food store in a beachside hamlet… [Despite which: P.W. is not, and has never been, a hippie.–Ed.] “Rory” and his friend Sex Machine came in and bought about five million little vials of ginseng, went out on the porch and guzzled them all in under a minute. Then, lots of screaming. It was kind of Dionysian. By which I mean, gay.

Digression: once when S.M. was eight and Firecracker was a young teen, he tried to slip her the tongue! Now that is precocity!

Anyways, now “Rory” and I are internet friends. It’s kind of weird.

i have an interview being an office bitch at some lawfirm tomorrow
you have to be fancy there? lawfirms=fancy?
i mean clothes.
i’m fancy as fuck
also a friend of mine works there and he’s not very fancy
coo
i like being fancy
but when the man tells you you have to be fancy, that sometimes sucks
i have a lot of ties and shit
so you’re a clotheshorse.
though at the moment i think i’ve only got two pairs of fancy pants
ok maybe not.
yeah
i’ll get some new fancy pants with the skrilla i’ll be pullin in
yow
i’ll be bigtime when im making… drumroll…. TEN FUCKING DOLLARS AN HOUR!!!
jesus.
booyah!
hot damn
but, yo, i’m gonna be a lawyer… which is pretty boss
just by working at a law firm? you are amazing.
and wearing fancy pants.
that’s pretty much 90% lawyer right?
it’s almost a lawyer.
i’m gonna wear my tight fancy pants tomorrow cuz the interview is with a bitch
she’s gonna be into the tight pants, huh?
you think?
she loves them
whore
she is SUCH a whore!
i could tell by the way she emailed me
slut.
she was all “how about 3:30″ might as well have said “fuck me, manwhore!”
so basically i’m planning on fucking my way into this $10/hr job.
that’s admirable.
our great country was built on that sort of thing.
i just know how the legal world works
lots of fucking.
oh…. you want to see my JD? how about a BJ?
har!

Then dude totally disappeared from the AIM. I guess now he has a “job” or whatever.

From: To:
Date: Feb 19, 2007 9:48 PM
Subject: guess what?

now me and your friend ross are BEST FRIENDS, and we hate you!

can i refer to you as “rory” on le blog? I’M GONNA MAKE YOU A STAR.

did you get that job?

xxoo pw
————

From: To:
Date: Feb 20, 2007 9:17 AM
Subject: RE: guess what?

I am currently sitting at my job… you like disability law??? i bet you do… jealous much?
————

From: To:
Date: Feb 20, 2007 9:39 AM
Subject: RE: RE: guess what?

okay, so i’ll take that as a yes. yes, you got the job, and yes i have your permission to call you “rory” on meta-mirror, and yes you are 100% gay. i think the reason you used the word “jealous” in your reply is because you are so jealous that now you have to work all day and meanwhile i have the time and freedom to build a media empire and become the darling of the internet and steal all your friends. you might be almost a lawyer, but i am almost a psychoanalyst and i know a freudian slip when i see one. HA!

so what are you wearing? fancy pants?

p.s. disability law makes me hard.
————

From: To:
Date: Feb 20, 2007 5:32 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: guess what?

I am wearing fancy pants, as a matter of fact.
————

by Pistol Whip | 26 February 2007 | retarded | Comments