Bedpan mathematics

The other night at [redacted]’s place, he was telling me about a medical experiment he guinea-pigged for a couple of years ago. He made $4,000. The experiment had something to do with muscle atrophy, so he spent 10 days in a hospital bed. He could sit up, but his legs were not allowed to move. I said, “Bedpan?” Yep, bedpan. And Number Two?

He laughed. See: pan, plus there was a roommate. “But there was a curtain between us,” he said.

A guy brought you movies to watch if you asked for them. Could your friends visit? [redacted] didn’t tell anyone he was doing the experiment, so he doesn’t know. He had four biopsies done on his thigh. Houch! Even with the biopsies, it sounded a little bit like a vacation, but I couldn’t get past the shitting part. That’s when [redacted] explained that you could sit up when nature called. Okay, but who can take a shit in bed with their legs straight out in front of them? I can’t even “go” in a public restroom, let alone in a hospital room with some dude listening to me. And with my legs buckled down or whatever.

The day after this conversation was the world’s longest day in the history of the universe. I came home to a new student loan bill. I owe like $38,000. I don’t understand how I will ever, ever, ever pay this money back.

Then it occurred to me that if I adjusted my diet, I could achieve a poop-every-other-day situation. For the same 10-day medical experiment [redacted] took part in, that’s just 5 instances of humiliation, with a value of $800 a pop.

With a loan balance of 38,000, divided by 4,000 for each experiment, that’s 9.5 atrophy experiments.

Now look here: 9.5 experiments x 5 shits=47.5 total shits.

Simply by taking 47.5 shits with my legs straight out in front of me in some hospital room, with some horrible girl (that’s a given, trust me) in the next bed over, I could completely eliminate (ka-chung!) my student loan debt.

And it comes with a bonus! When anyone asks me if it was worth getting my MFA, I can just say, “Yeah, worth about 47 shits.” And for once I wouldn’t be exaggerating for effect.

by Left Hook | 9 March 2007 | hopes and dreams, mathematics | Comments