All lost at Woodbury Commons
Remember when we went on that all-day adventure with Inspector Corset to those celebrated-but-in-reality-pretty-fucking-disappointing outlets in not-New Jersey? And how people stared at us the entire time we were there? I guess there were some reasons. Like how we were the weird kids who packed our own lunch to eat in the Food Court. It sort of brought me back to the cafeteria in middle school, when everybody else had Hostess cupcakes and Coca Cola and I had hummus and grapes, except this time it was completely obvious to me who had the best lunch. So it was therapeutic! Remember those super-square jock boys at the next table, how perplexed/fascinated they were? Poor dears.
When we were finished, we didn’t want to schlep the bag with the Tupperware of leftover couscous, and the car was so far away, so Corset hid it in the bushes. She crept around in her safety-pinned coat and tweedy hat and huge sunglasses–the most glamorous street urchin ever–scouting out the perfect spot while we stood nearby pretending like nothing weird was going on. Except I kept giggling. Which is why I am, and will always be, the Rookie.
We couldn’t really find anything to buy. We wanted everything to be free, cause they were outlets and all. But everything cost two hundred dollars! Lefty and I weren’t trying to hear that. Corset walked around the Prada store for what felt like a very long time in some lovely red heels, but ultimately vetoed them.
Outside on the walkways, we were like celebrities. Japanese tourists kept taking pictures of us with their phones. Okay, maybe not. But there were a lot of Japanese tourists, and they did stare at us.
Remember how by accident I said the work “cock” in a really loud voice, and then I was flooded with soul-crushing remorse, because suddenly we were Bad Teenagers, with combs in our back pockets and lots of iridescent lipgloss and super-awesome handjob skillz, and everybody hated us?
On the way home, Inspector Corset told the tollbooth guy to have a nice life, and Left Hook was like, Gawd I can’t believe you said that that was sooooooooo mean! and Corset goes, I didn’t mean it to be mean. Cause when you think about it, it’s actually really nice!
And the whole time, Lefty thought we were in New Jersey. She was so disappointed when she found out the truth.
I think we should do that again soon. Except hopefully it will be more fruitful. Maybe we should go to the real New Jersey?
4 Responses to “All lost at Woodbury Commons”
1 rory 19 March 2007 @ 12:23 pm
Mrs. “Rory” is convinced that New Jersey is not a state.
2 Pistol Whip 20 March 2007 @ 9:10 pm
Somebody in New Jersey loves me. (Shout-out to Grandma!)
Otherwise I’d say sink that shit. Who needs it? Etc.
3 Inspector Corset 22 March 2007 @ 11:16 pm
do you know what i can’t get out of my head from that afternoon?
that special “view me” voyeur photobooth in the food court. yes, you go in the booth, close the curtain, and the whole bloody food court can watch you on the monitor screen that’s mounted on top of the booth. we just weren’t first convinced that’s what was happening, as the young asian couple in there couldn’t have been having a more ridiculously boring-ass time in there, they could actually be the models for the company, they should apply for jobs with jack valenti. i only regret not taking advantage of that booth. something transgressive. we should have been eating our tuna sandwiches in that booth. if those raspberry commons had any common sense, they’d throw monitors all over that damn mall. i aslo think they need canals and gondolas.
and the gondoliers should have large packages. ah, yes.
i would definitely go back for that. and why didn’t i buy those prada pumps? oh yeah, they were 400 bucks. and why do i feel it is such an affront that my one purchase of the day from wolford already has a run from one bloody day of use? mighty peccadillo.
4 Pistol Whip 29 March 2007 @ 10:00 pm
i ran the fuck out of my wolford tights the first and only day i wore them. godDAMN.
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