Archives for May 2007
Who will play Jenny Wren?
With Blogue Partenaire off to the wilds of Alabama (am I allowed to say that?) for the aforementioned wedding, I have nothing better to do than sit, glassy-eyed, and muse on the human condition.
Out of sheer laziness, I invite anyone who wants to guestwrite or ghostwrite an entry to send it in, and if it’s […]
I just finally took the time to respect my body.
The second episode is better than the first. The editor’s on too much lorazepam, but Michael Cera is a national treasure.
If you don’t rewind the shot of him passing the ball to his buddy in the gym, I don’t know what you are.
Start Your Day With Horror
Just like me!!!
Do an image search for “house centipede” then see how happy I was to be woken up at 4:45 am by one of these things crawling in my hair!!!
Result: one half-squashed house centipede lying beside me on the bed and a big pile of hair I pulled out in my frantic violent attempts […]
Barbecue blues
Yesterday Mr. Pistol and I had our first barbecue of the year, and it was a lively and well-populated event. I made lemonade with mint, two peach-and-ginger trifles, and a pasta salad. Mr. Pistol grilled with grace and aplomb, not to mention excellent timing. My pasta salad got a marriage proposal. The lemonade tasted divine […]
Read this entry >>Gag gag me at gagagag
Everybody, there’s something I want to talk to you about. Something that’s bothering me. And if it doesn’t stop, I AM GOING TO STAB MY EYES OUT. Or at least stop reading blogs.
It’s this:
Tiny World
Jim at Ugly Luggage writes the funniest tags for the stuff in his shop. Like once for JB’s birthday I gave her a geode that someone had made into a little terrarium by sticking a wee cactus inside it. So: tiny world.
There’s a little backyard to my apartment and if I have the day off […]
I don’t wanna baby that looks like that!
I thought I had a rudimentary understanding of genetics. Like, I thought Steve Malkmus and I would surely have beautiful children.
Fuck!
I’m better off breeding with a primordial dwarf!
At least that one looks human.
[This is totally stolen from Lindsayism. You can also straight to the source and waste lots of time here.]
Bloopers
The other girl at work ain’t the sharpest tack in the box.
Boss: …time code.
Left Hook (in a quavery old lady voice): I was born before time code.
Other Girl: What? Tie code?
Do you get sick of me?
Because I get sick of myself.
Blargh.
When I do something, I really do it. Like: I might listen to all the Silver Jews records in my possession (well, except the newest one) like 476 times, reread Actual Air, and send Mr. Pistol a text that says, “Do you think if David Berman met me, he would […]
Postcard from Firecracker
She goes to a conference in New Orleans but ends up in…
Nice work, sis!
Read this entry >>Sunday. G’night.
Read this entry >>
Sunday. Nice!
Read this entry >>
Read this entry >>
And Onan knew that the seed would not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest he should give seed to his brother.
In the mornings I sit at my computer and masturbate. I am so grandly deluded that I think the world being okay depends on whether or not I succeed at masturbating every morning.
Sometimes I assist others in their masturbation pursuits: for example, I mentor a woman who started masturbating in prison. Every month or so […]
It’s a mystery.
Every single time I’ve worn these shoes, I’ve gotten a compliment on them from a dude.
Not trying to brag, y’all; I honestly think it’s weird. Boys never notice my shoes otherwise. (Do they?) And c’mon, these are German old lady shoes. What?
They even work on Mr. Pistol. He’s all, “Did you get your hair cut […]
Wednesday evening at work (REAL TIME) >>updated!
For a [adjectives redacted out of paranoia–ed.] project at my fake job, I have to write a list of questions for an instructional DVD about photography.
Right off the bat I was cracking myself up:
How important is your equipment?
Heh!
And then, after a long list of questions like, “Do you have a make-up kit in your […]
Official.
Mr. Nairobi Sanchez, Esq., our legal counsel, asked me to post the following:
The Board of Directors convened an emergency meeting at 9:08 pm on Monday to discuss the grave ramifications of Pistol Whip’s “menstrual post.”
It pleases the Board to report that a moratorium on similarly-themed subject matter has been unanimously passed. In a written statement, […]
The mirror is dangerous. But I can’t put it down!
“Rory” is the kind of dude who uses his girlfriend’s name for all his passwords. A romantic, like.
That never occurred to me, maybe because my heart is cold?
Naw, Mr. Pistol’s real-life name is just much too short.
Anyway, stop it with your identity theft schemes right this instant. Even if you were to hack into “Rory’s” […]
TMI
Okay, so:
I was raised by hippies.
I’m totally narcissistic.
I’m a little bit of a hypochondriac.
Do the math, and it shouldn’t come as a surprise that I’m endlessly fascinated by my own menstrual cycle!
Luckily, there’s mymonthlycycles.com, the menstruation tracker! You can set it up so you get an email that says, perhaps, “RIPE WOMB” when you’re about […]
I Hate the World #3
I hate modern psychiatry, and all it has wrought.
Earlier this week, my 24-year-old cousin drank a bottle of vodka and put his head through a wall. He ended up in a psych hospital, where they diagnosed him bipolar and started him on meds. His mom wasn’t surprised, because she’d already diagnosed him herself. ( “He […]