Screwing myself with my hand

If you are a regular reader of this website, you know that your girl Pistol is a Thinker. You’ll often find me musing about such fascinating and diverse topics as Art and Technology, not to mention weighing in on the most important and controversial issues of today! I’m basically a public intellectual.

Thoughts come at me like 24/7. This morning over breakfast, a new one popped up: How did people masturbate before the internet?

Then I remembered that a lot of people masturbate to pictures of naked girls, and magazines dedicated to pictures of naked girls have been around pretty much forever.

I realized I needed to be more specific if I was going to pursue this line of inquiry! So the next thing I asked myself was, How did people masturbate to pictures of Stephen Malkmus before the internet?

Pictures of Stephen Malkmus used to be hard to come by.

Heh!

Once upon a time, it was 1994, and there weren’t any pictures of him in any of the Pavement liner notes, except for a very blurry one in Slanted and Enchanted. Magazines weren’t much help either, although I did once cut a tiny picture out of Spin. I can see it in my mind’s eye still: a lovely juxtaposition of face, hair, t-shirt, arms, guitar. Our hero appeared to be extremely drunk. I kept it in my wallet–”Wanna see a picture of my boyfriend?”–until it got wet somehow and disintegrated.

Hence, you can imagine Young Pistol’s elation at the release of Wowee Zowee! “Finally,” I sighed, clutching the CD to my nascent bosom, “a faithful likeness!”

How innocent that seems now. I never would’ve dared dream that with just a few clicks of the mouse, literally hundreds of pictures of Stephen Malkmus would be available to me! That I could check back any time I wanted to see if any new ones had materialized! That I could spend hours culling my favorites, and build my very own Stephen Malkmus Stroke Gallery!

Today I share with you some of the high points:

This one works well as a closer:

DANG!

by Pistol Whip | 8 June 2007 | cute, music, retarded | Comments