Archives for July 2007
Dear Phoenix,
I can relate.
Heart,
Pistol
P.S. Cute title, Economist!
Behind the scenes
If you think it’s easy to co-run one of the internet’s top Narcissistic Mind Blogs, you are dead wrong. Yesterday’s post required research. (Are you there, Intern? It’s me, Pistol.) I needed: pictures of modest bathing costumes. I found: pictures of Islamic and Christian swimsuits, and Victorian reproduction swimwear patterns. All interesting and on-topic!
But sometimes […]
16 days to go…
I had big plans for our Brazil trip. Because I am one of the stars of a hilarious and popular (imaginary) internet TV show, I think in terms of webisodes. This was going to be a great one. Imagine Pistol and Lefty at some teeming sexbeach in Rio…
So many wacky gags therein!!! Pistol, clad in […]
Read this entry >>MODERN SKAMP
Yes, that’s a K.
Bali Skimp Skamp Modern Brief
Hello, English? I want to rape you till I’m dead.
Skimp Skamp. (I had to write it out one more time to be certain I wasn’t dreaming.)
Nag cycle
I’m starting to think the laundromat lady thinks it’s ALL ABOUT HER. Yesterday evening I was there rubbing one out* (okay, actually two), and while I was taking my stuff out of the dryer, she kept yelling at me to STOP RUSHING. She was all, “Slow down! Slow down! Slow down! I’ll be open another […]
Read this entry >>The Magick Mirror
Pretend we are a funtimes comics.
Item! WE HAVE A SUICIDE PACT LOL!
Item! WE’RE GOING TO BRAZIL!
Item! PMS IS REAL!
Look!
It’s Left Hook’s father (see Item #2)!
Question! She has a human father?
Question! Does that explain EVERYTHING LOL?
Question! A LACE ASCOT, seriously?
TMI redux
Today when Mr. Pistol came home from work, he asked me how I was doing. (How chivalrous!) “Fucking horrible,” I said. “My hormones hate me. God hates me. And my tits are carrying the weight of the world.”
Heh.
But seriously. Earlier I was walking in midtown and a businessman smiled right at them. That was a […]
Hate Mail
John Monus used to be a realtor at a Century 21 in Austin, Texas. What do you think caused him to move to Brooklyn, NY, and leave sticky notes (gross) on strangers’ front doors (ditto)?
Could it be he’s a jerk?
Let’s examine his handwriting and find out.
Pistol Whip sickened, perhaps traumatized by cleaning product advertisement
Girls are gross.
I guess so is sex.
I think the man might be dead.
Feet.
mommy-daddy dance
AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!
I scrubbed my brain with lye soap and I still feel so dirty.
I’m sorry, Mayor Bloomberg
But I can’t concentrate on this article about how pissed you are that Albany rejected your traffic plan, because of that BOSS-ASS SIGN NEXT TO YOUR HEAD.
Yowza!
Read this entry >>creature feature
Last night I did something bad that I haven’t done in a while: browse the homeless pets on petfinder. Look at this little guy–talk about soul!
Turns out he’s at the Elmsford Animal Shelter, which is where we adopted my childhood dog, Hickory. (Yes, yours truly named him. And yes, a package of bacon was involved.) […]
Read this entry >>News you can use
Read this entry >>
The revolutionary costume for today
I really want one of these:
I had one the summer I was twelve, and I remember liking how it looked against my tan wrist. (I will admit, I’ve always been vain about my wrists.)
That summer was the apex of my preppy phase. Being a prep was the only way I could manage to freak my […]
penance
“it’s on sale and i haven’t bought a nice dress since i got married and that was not actually technically a nice dress i mean it was from express or some store thereabouts on 5th and 20th and in retrospect it never was ideal aka not the most flattering and anyway that was like six […]
Read this entry >>Summer Proper
Read this entry >>
No future
One day not long ago, Left Hook and I were discussing her career conundrum on the telephone. Lefty agonized, and I attempted to reassure her. I told her that she was brilliant and talented and thoroughly delightful (and how!), and that I was positive she would figure it out.
She sighed, unconvinced. “What about you? Do […]
Thanks for making me feeling like a REAL pedophile, International Herald Tribune
From Michael Cera’s comedy of raw adolescence:
Michael Cera, who just turned 19 years old but whose peach-fuzz cheeks and deceptively innocent eyes make him seem at least five years younger…
Yeah yeah, I know I can be a creep when it comes to teens. But c’mon. He does not look FOURTEEN YEARS OLD.
Does he?
Normally I’d make […]
Let’s Compare
Please don’t let USA Today run my obituary. Here’s the photo of Lady Bird Johnson they chose for their front page:
And here’s how the Gray Lady handled the grey lady:
I’d rather be remembered as Jerri Blank than Edie Beale.
Read this entry >>Dude’s a heavy lifter
The scene: a couple lying in bed, post-[redacted].
She [looking at the bookshelf across the room]: Hey, could you move my shelf tonight?
He: Heh. I just did.
She: Wha?
He: Haha.
She: Seriously, what’s that even mean?
He: I don’t actually know.
She: …
He: …
She: Naw, I get it… I guess.
Shapes the Final Frontier
First there were shapes: circles, squares, and so on. Then came shapes.
Like, see that dude across the street? “I like the shape,” you can say.
Also, “I have a pain in my shape,” can mean you went to the gym and overdid it on the leg press.
The day after Remembrance of Independence, Pistol Whip and I […]