Hate Mail

John Monus used to be a realtor at a Century 21 in Austin, Texas. What do you think caused him to move to Brooklyn, NY, and leave sticky notes (gross) on strangers’ front doors (ditto)?

Could it be he’s a jerk?

Let’s examine his handwriting and find out.

A few things jump out at the professional graphologist right away:

• general creepy feel
• looks like a liar wrote it
• inconsistent capitalization (indicates untrustworthiness)
• handwriting gets smaller and smaller (fear of castration)
• the 2’s look gay
• too much space between the comma (after “spelling”) and the word after it (demonstrates a pusillanimous character)
• it’s a fucking xerox! (cheapskate)

So John Monus is a cowardly, woman-hating liar, whose unacknowledged homosexuality causes him to have severe anger issues, and who’s too cheap to buy you a cup of coffee while he’s driving you to the next open house. Why would anyone call him, after reviewing this scientific evidence? Could it be that he preys on ill-informed people? Or that he fires up the Bunsen burner of their conflagrant GREED with his smooth-talkin’ spiel? Either way, we don’t want him scurrying around here. Get out of Brooklyn, dude!

p.s. The only person who’s going to buy this house is ME, even though I have neither a job nor a million dollars in cash. However, if my wonderful landlord ever decides to sell, which is unlikely, a sack of gold will magically appear in my living room. You see, this is America, and dreaming is still FREE.

by Left Hook | 24 July 2007 | assholes | Comments