Girl gone mild

I couldn’t get drunk this weekend. It was weird.

LET’S GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.

On Friday, Mr. P and I met up with AM and her bro Sex Machine and SM’s buddy JZ and their friend who’s in a band with a male model. (???) We drank margaritas. I had already had two drinks elsewhere. And yet, no drunky.

It was actually good that I kept my wits about me, because SM tried to steal my name!

SM [peering at my necklace]: What’s that say?
Pistol: You don’t know?
SM [“reading”]: Mr. Pistol’s real-life name? It says Mr. Pistol’s real-life name?
Pistol: Yeah. It says Mr. Pistol’s real-life name, because I am Mr. Pistol’s property. So I got his name put on a necklace.
SM: …
Pistol: NO, ASS, it doesn’t say Mr. Pistol’s real-life name. It says Pistol Whip!
SM: Pistol Whip? WHOA. That is awesome! Do you know how awesome that would be for a tattoo? PISTOL WHIP? Tattoed down your forearm?
Pistol: Yep.
SM: I’m totally getting that tattooed down my forearm. [Ecstatically runs finger down forearm.]
Pistol: You most certainly are not.
SM: Why not?
Pistol: BECAUSE IT’S MY NAME.
SM: What do you mean it’s your name?
Pistol: I mean it’s my name!
SM: Since when? I’ve known you since you were twelve, dude. Your name is [redacted].
Pistol: Not anymore.
SM: Whatever. [Starts walking away.]
Pistol: Hey! Sex Machine! Wait!
SM: …
Pistol: How about your name can be Pistol GRIP.
SM: …
Pistol: …
SM [thoughtfully]: You know what? I like that. [Holds up forearm.] PISTOL GRIP. That is totally what I’m getting.

Phew!

On Saturday, Mr. P went away for a Mysterious Dude Weekend with Mr. Shaky and Mr. Drummer. I had myself a little drink at home, just to be convivial, but I didn’t feel a thing! Then I took a sleeping pill (YUM!) and went to sleep (DUH!).

On Sunday, Lefty and I went to a reading and then to Youpers. One drink at the reading followed by two super-strong Youpers drinks. I ended up just as I began: stone sober.

A very drunk fellow decided to give us a whirl.

Drunk: Hey what are you drinking I’ll buy you a drink.
Us: You don’t have to do that.
Drunk: No really what are you drinking.
Us: …
Drunk: Okay fine what’s your names.
Us: What’s your name?
Drunk: Christian.
Lefty: What?
Drunk [yelling]: CHRISTIAN.
Lefty: Gotcha.
Drunk [yelling]: Like CHRISTIANITY.
Drunk: What’s your names.
Pistol: Pistol.
Lefty: Ever notice how nobody is named “Jewish”?
Pistol: Yeah, that’s weird.
Drunk: Will you please just tell me your name.
Lefty: Jewish.
Drunk: No really.
Lefty: Jewish Mongrel.
Drunk: [Sighs.]
Drunk: Do you girls want to [unfamiliar slang for “do cocaine”]?
Us: Huh?
Drunk [yelling]: DO COCAINE.
Us: Yes!

My rule with cocaine is twofold:

1. never seek it out
2. never turn it down

Sadly, it didn’t work out this time. Christian demanded I tell him Lefty’s true name, which I did because he was so aggro about it. Then he yelled in my ear that he really liked her. Then he started talking about his childhood, which sounded sad. Lefty got up to pee. When I next shifted my gaze to our new friend, I saw that he had fully crossed over to the Dark Side. He yelled to get the bartenders’ attention–worst idea ever, dude!–and sat seething with his chin in his hands until they responded. When he finally got his Pabst, he sighed and stumbled away, and I let him.

Which is another way of saying that I was fucking sober.

Walking home, I asked myself what was going on. Had my tolerance changed? Was it hormones? (Because everything is hormones?) And then I realized, duh. It’s because I keep eating so much!

On Friday night I had two slices and a steak fajita. On Saturday night I made the pasta with turkey meatballs and bocconcini from last month’s Everyday Food. On Sunday night I had stuffed cabbage (my people say gołąbki), beet salad, and a potato pancake at Veselka.

It’s a simple matter of METABOLISM aka SCIENCE aka I AM FAT.

There are pros and there are cons. Being sober is boring, but did help me defend my name. I really like eating, but I was raised to hate fat people. It’s all very confusing and I’m not sure how to proceed. Please help me make sense of it by voting below!

Luv,
Pistol

by Pistol Whip | 24 September 2007 | boring, science | Comments