Tuesday, All Right

This morning my mother called me and I didn’t pick up because I don’t like to ruffle my pre-masturbation time with external affairs. Pre-masturbation is reserved for anointing my body with sacred oils and chanting while leafing through The Cambridge Dictionary of Philosophy. Now that’s titillating.

Here was her message: “I’m calling you but I’m getting a very strange message that says you’re unavailable. Did you get rid of your cell phone? Do you have a different number?” Etc.

After my 3 hours of masturbatory meditation–like, wow!–I was off for some mentoring, and then a few hours of work in the library. I [redacted] four [redacted]–maybe it doesn’t sound like much, but I’m on target for my Stage 1 goal of 20 [redacted] a week. At that rate, which doesn’t reflect the projected increased output of Stages 2 and 3, I’ll be done in 35 weeks. Oh, right. The holidays. Well, fuck you to the holidays. I have a [redacted] to [redacted]!

After all that rubbing out, I walked around Whole Foods in a daze. Someday some majorly bad shit is going to go down in the Union Square branch. IT IS A LIVING NIGHTMARE. Somehow I got out alive, with slab bacon and garlic and Swiss chard. Seriously, people? I got home at 9 pm. I ate a hot dog. I did not want to cook. But I chopped up two slices of bacon and got it all crispy and fried some shallots in the bacon grease and the garlic and the chard stems and the enormous pile of chard, the lid, a bit of cream, and couscous on the side…. The cool thing is it’s pretty much a vegetarian meal, because of all the chard.

Goddamn. And The Office, with the first episode on the dvd being the double-length one, where Dwight quits? And Andy freaks out Michael because he is A MIRROR OF MICHAEL OH MY GOD, and Michael goes to the Staples to ask Dwight to come back, and says: “It takes a big man to admit his mistake and I am that big man.” And Angela tells Pam, “You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens. I would like to offer you the dominant male.” The dominant male, people.

G’night.

by Left Hook | 16 October 2007 | boring | Comments