Metaween

Your lovely Mirrors don’t celebrate Halloween. It is a children’s holiday. Remember? Ah, how we loved it then. The creativity, the candy. The fascination of peering into our neighbors’ foyers. Now Halloween means girls dressing up as sexy witches, sexy cats, and sexy devils. DO NOT CARE.

However. Last year we joked that we’d go as each other. And now, I’ve put together a guide to help us, and those of you who’d like to “go” as us, finesse the costumes.

THE META

Be prepared to be asked, “What are you?” Be prepared to be stopped on the street, and complimented on your hair, your boots, your dress, your eyes, your hair. Be prepared for unwanted attention. Be prepared for free drinks. Be prepared for the alienation that comes with being Different. OH GOD THE LONELINESS. Be prepared to want to kill self.

Each conversation must cover at least 10 of these topics:

• blow jobs
• cute boys
• death
• existence, utter meaninglessness of
• fashion faux pas
• food
• how/why that person is an asshole
• how/why that person is crazy
• how/why that person is the worst writer ever
• literature
• “masturbation”
• parents/relatives, insanity of
• pms
• sex

THE SUPPLIES

For Pistol Whip costume

Dermablend or similar make-up to cover any existing tattoos. Black, red, and yellow sharpies. Hair with bangs. Lip gloss. Tall boots with a heel (vintage preferred; purchase on eBay). A pretty dress. A ladylike purse. Dinosaur Jr. on your iPod Zune. Sideballs. One “Pistol Whip” gold necklace. Wedding and engagement rings. A manicure (Essie, “Wicked”).

For Left Hook costume

Dermablend (see above). A black sharpie. Hairspray. Black eyeliner. Glasses (optional). Lipstick. Tight jeans and motorcycle boots and an Oblivians t-shirt. Ponytail holder (large enough to fit around wrist). One “Left Hook” gold necklace.

PISTOL WHIP COSTUME

Play Dinosaur Jr. while getting ready. Draw a [redacted] on upper right arm with black sharpie. Draw a [redacted] with black sharpie on inner left wrist. With red, black, and yellow sharpies, draw a large [redacted] above heart. Put on necklace (hang slightly askew for versimilitude).

Make self very pretty and hair very soft. Stare wide-eyed in wonder (just a girl!) at the world around you. Sneak cigarettes outside Youpers with Heartthrob McVainerson. Mention bikram. Eat rapidly and with gusto. Always finish your drink (Maker’s Mark and soda) before Left Hook. Use Sideballs to text Mr. Pistol. Tell story about teen-aged boy you saw on subway, and bang the heel of one hand on the opposite wrist.

LEFT HOOK COSTUME

Eat a huge meal. Draw a [redacted] on inner right forearm, a small [redacted] above left clavicle, a [redacted] near left wrist, and the words [redacted] on inside of left bicep. Use eyeliner to draw on thick, dark eyebrows. Tease hair and spray with hairspray. Put ponytail holder on right wrist. Do not forget the lipstick (Revlon, Chocolate Drizzle). Total prep time 15 minutes. Realize that, even though you just ate, you are starving. If you are not starving the costume isn’t working. Scavenge in refrigerator for something, anything to eat. Nothing appeals. Leave home ravenous. If you go somewhere loud, make 50% of the laughs you get a result of comedic mishearings.

Return at 1:30 am after lovely evening with Pistol. Sleep for three hours; have insomnia for rest of night. Optional: feel queasy and finally vomit, even though you’ve only had two drinks.

WARNING

Meta-Mirror is in no way responsible for any mishaps, misunderstandings, misapprehensions, or mistakes that occur while wearing costumes. Wear at your own risk. Symptoms of withdrawal may occur. Costumes are meant for Funtimes, U.S.A. and not intended for use as deceptive devices. Use with parental supervision, especially when around teenage boys.

by Left Hook | 20 October 2007 | primers | Comments