Eat this grenade

I’m smarter than you. (File under: precocious childhood, adult-onset failure.) That’s why I’m here on your computer monitor: to steer you artfully around the pitfalls that a human of average intelligence encounters daily.

Here’s a fact you might not know: your body is smarter than you, too! It goes about its business, making new blood cells (can you do that???), producing endorphins (bet you don’t even know what they are!!!), even digesting that sketchy third-day beef with broccoli (why did I risk it???), without requiring any thinkerzzz. So, when it comes to drinking water, you may be surprised to learn, your body in fact kind of has it pretty much already sort of figured out!

It uses a mechanism called THIRST. Remember that feeling when you ate so many Fritos and there was nothing to drink and your mom accidentally locked you in the car? That is thirst! That’s the way your body lets you know it’s time to drink water (fancy word: hydrate). And, guess, what? Unless you’re my aunt, who is crazy and drinks it compulsively and therefore almost died, you can trust this “thirst” thing.

Which is all a long way of saying PLEASE KILL ME, SHARPER IMAGE CATALOG.

Proper hydration is a combination of the right amount of water, consumed at the right pace–and HydraCoach is smart enough to figure it out for you! The world’s first interactive water bottle is programmed to calculate your personal hydration needs; and then it tracks your water intake–and paces your consumption–for optimal benefits…. Also shows time, date, fluid intake per hour and time elapsed…. Silicone mouthpiece is angled for easy sipping. [T.W.H.S.?–eds.]

Stab me with a pen. Your fist. Whatever is at hand. Or shove my head in an oven. Thank god someone is infantilizing the American consumer BECAUSE HE WAS WAAAAAY TOO SMART and now, with the introduction of the HydraCoach, the marketplace is WideOpen! People are excited about the new ButtWiper 3.0, and why shouldn’t they be? Or what about FuckHow?™, the widget that makes sex a no-brainer? Personally, I’m looking forward to ProcrastinaTor, because it’s a drag having to think up my own distractions. Also, QuickSwipe, which is a doodad you hang on your keyring (gotcha! Keys are so old-fashioned! And such a pain to carry around!) that tells you how many rides are left on your MetroCard before you get to the TurnStile, so that when you finally decide that TODAY IS THE DAY AND YOU’RE REALLY GOING TO DO IT THIS TIME, something like not having enough money on your card won’t foul the whole thing up.

by Left Hook | 27 November 2007 | slit my wrists, assholes, the mind boggles, popular culture, hate, retarded | Comments