Left Hook’s Guide to the Presidential Primaries
Welcome to Election ’08. Now, I’m not “political.” I don’t read the newspaper, not really. But I do have a TV! So I watched part of the Iowa debates, not because there was nothing else on–no! I was riveted by the democratic process. So unpredictable! So genuine! Clear, pure, commanding voices, lifted above the babble, yearning to lead our country to freedom!
Hillary Clinton
You’re so pretty! That emerald green blouse looked really good on you. I wish you were my mom.
I was totally going to vote for you since forever. But now I just don’t know. What are you saying? What do you mean? TAKE A FREAKING CHANCE AND SAY WHAT YOU REALLY THINK.
Is what you’re thinking that you want to be my mom???
***
Rudy Giuliani
He looks (and talks) like a corpse. Oh, and he’s also an asshole. I don’t need to back this up with facts. Just look at the picture.
Celebrity match: Botox.
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John Edwards
The John Edwards Drinking Game: Take a sip each time he says “middle class.” Take two sips for any sentence with both “middle class” and “my grandmother worked in a mill.” Whoops, you’re already drunk!
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Bill Richardson 
Every time you got a chance to speak, which was once every 29,000 hours, YOU WOULD NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP. Can’t anyone just state their business and be done with it? What happened to being succint? That’s not sexy anymore? Oh, hold on, my phone is ringing. Hi, Bill? A racoon called. He wants his pelt back.
Celebrity match: Horatio Sanz.
***
Mike Huckabee
(Above, Huckabee poses before “hellfire” backdrop)
Dude didn’t say anything, so my high journalistic standards prevent me from commenting on his performance. He looked a little scared. Bush league, I’m thinking.
***
John McCain
Top Republican pick! So he looks like the grandfather on King of the Hill and he’s sketchy on Roe. At least he’s not a Christian fundamentalist nutjob. Right? What I’m trying to say is, it wouldn’t be THE WORST THING that could happen. See? (Also, see below.)
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Mitt Romney
This is the kind of good-looking surburban dad who drives you home after a long night of babysitting, and while you’re saying, “Well, thanks for the ride, Mr. Romney,” he puts his hand on your thigh. Even though he probably wants to make masturbation illegal!
***
Barack Obama
*Special Award for Best Smile!!!*
Man, I want to like you as much as I want to like Hil and Johnny. I want to be stirred up by your speeches. They should be stirring me up. I mean, they have all the components of stirring speeches. You sound like you’re saying inspiring things. You seem passionate. The sentences make sense (you know, unlike Giuliani’s), even if they suffer from Empty Word Syndrome.
BUT I AM NOT STIRRED.
Probs I’m just frigid.
2 Responses to “Left Hook’s Guide to the Presidential Primaries”
1 Pistol Whip 21 January 2008 @ 11:40 am
Along the same lines, if you were giving Mitt Romney a blowjob, and you asked him could he please give you some warning because you don’t like come in your mouth (so sue you!) he would definitely not give you any warning, and what’s more, he would definitely push your head down at the crucial moment, hard, so there’d be nothing you could do. Dude is one date-rapey motherfucker.
2 Pistol Whip 26 January 2008 @ 11:29 pm
My 7-year-old charge Gracie has written a book entitled ELECTION 2008. All her idea, I swear. I introduced her to Google Images–Jesus, I am an idiot. Luckily we have not run into anything unseemly so far. She chose a flapping flag, an eagle, and the Statue of Liberty for the cover, and made a perfect row of Mitt Romney’s sons on her Romney page.
I tried to be super-neutral throughout so she could develop her own opinions. Gracie on Edwards: John Edwards you look nice. Are you nice? I think you’re nice. Gracie on Second Amendment rights: Why do people need guns in their house? Their kids are going to kill themselves! Gracie on John McCain’s wife: Augh! Gracie on Giuliani: Scary! Gracie on Huckabee: Mike Huckabee I don’t think you’ll get to be President DUH NUH NUH NUH!!!
In the end she decided that her fave Democrats are Clinton and Obama.
“And your favorite Republicans?”
“I don’t have any favorite Republicans.”
Smart girl!
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