Posts by Left Hook:
3 October 2008
Movie Corner!!!
Ghost Town
Haha! What’s funny is the idea that a man with these teeth could ever be a dentist.
What isn’t funny is the rest of the movie.
Read this entry >>19 June 2008
“She” Didn’t Say Anything
In the park with AS.
LH: It’s this machine, whaddaya call it, like a giant oil derrick, and it pounds the earth, KA-JOOM, KA-JOOM, KA-JOOM.
AS: A pile-driver!
LH: Yes, exactly. It wakes me up in the morning. And like, my bed is vibrating and everything’s pounding.
AS: I know what you mean. When I lived in Hoboken…
In the […]
8 June 2008
kitchen lulz!
No prep bowls?
No problem.
Read this entry >>30 May 2008
Something that refers to sleep or sleeping or beds or shopping for beds online
I’m looking for a new bed. Boringness follows. Allons-y?
Read this entry >>6 May 2008
YIMBY
Remember last year when I waxed poetic about the turtle in my backyard?
That poor turtle is now a celebrity (see here, and elsewhere). This morning as I wiped down my chairs to enjoy my first al fresco breakfast of the season, there was a two-man CBS news crew in the yard next to mine, getting […]
30 April 2008
“A Cook in Brooklyn”
About a year ago I was made Extemely Neurotic by being asked if I had a “signature dish.” No, I did not. Was I supposed to have a Signature Dish? Did everyone else have one? Thank god Pistol was around to say something like, “I hate that question!” But then I thought, is there something […]
Read this entry >>14 April 2008
Real Life
Our advisory council has been warning us about dreamblogging, telling us that if we persist we must at least make a new category, T.A.D.L.A.R. (obvs), to warn readers of its mind-numbing content. Well, I’m not in the category-birthing spirit right now, but I must recount LAST NIGHT’S DREAM.
Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords said he […]
26 March 2008
The Unlikely Heartthrob
Richard Widmark. 1914–2008.
He’s been in my Fantasy Film League ever since I saw Pickup on South Street, still one of my all-time favorite movies, many years ago. Sam Fuller, what else do you need to know? I think it’s a perfect film. And Widmark! My god the man had talent by the fistfuls.
(stills […]
Read this entry >>23 March 2008
SUNDAY FUCKING MORNING!!!
Read this entry >>
17 March 2008
The limits of credibility
Let’s see…
McGrath said that because he is on the Times staff and sometimes writes about books, he and his daughter do not talk about her work and she had not told him the Jones memoir was hers.
Either dude is a total liar, or the worst father in the world. Because come ON.
(NYT)
13 March 2008
The part where she says the lyrics.
I’ve been telling people (okay, really just Pistol) about my new favorite radio show, Fair Game. It’s like they went into my brain, analyzed the funny receptors, and figured out how to pump the required elixir through the air. I suggest you try it. The first segment of today’s episode was full of quintessential yuks […]
Read this entry >>13 March 2008
nightcreeps
Just when you think Dr. Freud has been safely tucked in bed, thumb in his mouth and flask of whiskey between his knees, a dream like this comes along (T.A.D.L.A.R-ing one and all?):
My father had a terrible backache so, being a nice daughter, I rubbed his back gently. But even my light touch made him […]
12 March 2008
Whore, Unmasked
How incredibly creepy is this article about Spitzer prostitute “Kristen,” with its strange nonchalance and weird cataloguing of her MySpace page? The tone is un-Timesy–it seems more like a puff piece about a runner-up for American Idol than an article about some sad girl with pitiful music-industry strivings who fucks 50-year-old men for money.
Read this entry >>11 March 2008
No escape…
Read this entry >>
4 March 2008
“The Predisposition to Fantasy”
News analysis! Reader comments funcake!
(↑a very bad person?)
Here’s the article: Gang Memoir, Turning Page, Is Pure Fiction. And the other one, even better with slideshow.
As if you haven’t read it! But what you probably haven’t read are all 484 541 reader comments. You’re probably thinking, “What a multitude of unique voices! I wonder what all […]
26 February 2008
Idiot Boksen
And then, and then, and then.
Television!!!!
i.e., SPORTS ACTION TEAM.
I didn’t know what the hell was going on. What sports-themed sitcom parodies the puppet show from The Sound of Music?
Also: Sports-themed sitcom? Really, Left Hook? Sports???
Yes.
And yes.
This is on network tv—NBC to be exact. Can you believe it? Does it not renew your faith in humanity? […]
Read this entry >>24 February 2008
there go the movies…
Read this entry >>
13 February 2008
I’m back, and–
I’m sorry, but I invented this like five years ago!
The nanogenerator takes advantage of the semiconductive properties of zinc oxide nanowires — tiny wires 1,000 times smaller than the width of a human hair — embedded into the fabric. The wires are formed into pairs of microscopic brush-like structures, shaped like […]
5 February 2008
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
They said I can try a place called Drivesavers in California (of course) but that runs between $1500 and $2100, and verges on madness. I just looked at what I had saved and I am missing so much stuff. Like two entire new scenes. I was on fire those fifteen days and I didn’t even […]
Read this entry >>3 February 2008
Brain Tragedy
Firstums… I have been soooo depressed lately, crying all the time and thinking Wouldn’t it be better if I just fucking died? and What’s the point of anything, anyway? I’ve been watching hours and hours of tv, I’ve gone through boxes of Kleenex, I even have broken capillaries under my eyes from crying so hard. […]
Read this entry >>19 January 2008
What Kind of Asshole?
At the Donald Barthelme tribute last night, reads the LAST CHAPTER of The Dead Father, a book I’ve been wanting to read for a really long time (and not reading, but that’s a separate issue of self-denial and has nothing to do with this)???
This man: [redacted]. Thanks for ruining the book, you pompous moron!
On the […]
13 January 2008
Left Hook’s Guide to the Presidential Primaries
Welcome to Election ’08. Now, I’m not “political.” I don’t read the newspaper, not really. But I do have a TV! So I watched part of the Iowa debates, not because there was nothing else on–no! I was riveted by the democratic process. So unpredictable! So genuine! Clear, pure, commanding voices, lifted above the babble, […]
Read this entry >>3 January 2008
Vindicated!
Remember when I called bullshit on Michael Clayton? Nice to finally have someone else acknowledge (and a dude at that!), amid all the rave reviews, what seemed so obvious to me and the Inspector.
The Leonard Lopate Show: Most Overrated Movies of 2007
“Strangely misogynistic” at 13:50.
And speaking of overrated movies of 2007, here’s my mini list:
1) […]
3 January 2008
Fish ‘n’ Tits
When I saw the commercial for “Disney on Ice: Finding Nemo” last night I thought I must be dreaming!!!
We combine digital projection, choreography and the most unbelievable costumes ever seen, and the result is a visual masterpiece that will truly transform the ice surface and take audiences through the ocean and into the aquarium.
What? I […]
22 December 2007
Me. Kill. Please.
Yesterday sick little me watched 7 hours of television, which means I saw the worst commercial in the history of the universe at least 49 times. IT IS ON RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME.
You assholes couldn’t spring for a vanity phone number, huh? No–just get some random number, and since […]
Read this entry >>14 December 2007
NYT Brown Alert
Happy holidays!!!
Ari Henry Barnes, who works in a New York law firm, is so devoted to his cat, Romeo, that he wipes the animal’s behind every time he does “a stinky boom boom.”
Who loves you? Huh? Does Ar-Ar love you? Yeah, you’re a good pooper, aren’t you? Who loves a good pooper? Huh? Does Ar-Ar […]
13 December 2007
Sir, could you please use the proper terminology?
Yesterday (I think) I was listening to WNYC (sort of) and something about the steroid scandal came on, thus the sort of, because blah blah blah blah blah blah baseball blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah steroids blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Some doctor was […]
5 December 2007
2 minutes and 31 seconds and counting and crying
Sometimes you encounter something so good and did I mention so good that you didn’t realize you had a hole in your soul that this good thing patched up, but in the end you have to let it walk on by, so to speak, even though it would have made your life perfect and effortless […]
Read this entry >>27 November 2007
Eat this grenade
I’m smarter than you. (File under: precocious childhood, adult-onset failure.) That’s why I’m here on your computer monitor: to steer you artfully around the pitfalls that a human of average intelligence encounters daily.
Here’s a fact you might not know: your body is smarter than you, too! It goes about its business, making new blood […]
24 November 2007
I’m Sorry
I know, I know–weird things on craigslist. Yawn! But still, I never expected to see anything like this while idly browsing for a coffee table.
You are looking at a Bronze-Lady coffee table. The table itself is shaped as a naked lady made of bronze material, as seen in the pictures below.
Face is covered with tape […]
21 November 2007
Suicide Corner!!!
Let’s see… what “Retchables” does Publisher’s Lunch have for us today?
FICTION
Debut
Amy Greene’s BLOODROOT, A multigenerational saga set in the heart of Appalachia that centers on a young girl raised by her grandmother on remote Bloodroot Mountain, and the legacy of place — and madness — that her twin children inherit, to Robin Desser at […]
16 November 2007
Voice from the Future States the Obvs
Pistol: …LA.
Lefty: Oh, LA! I want to go. I’m going to move there.
Pistol: (Laughs) How will you get around?
Lefty: My boyfriend will drive me.
Pistol: Everywhere?
Lefty: Yes, everywhere.
Pistol: You think that’s a good idea?
Lefty: Yes. No.
Pistol: …
Lefty: What about a scooter? Do you think I could handle a scooter?
Pistol: A scooter? On the freeway?
Lefty: I won’t […]
12 November 2007
Meatloaf? Seriously.
When you make meatloaf like I do/did and it is unbearably delicious then you will also make meatloaf sandwiches like 5 times a day? OK, three times. But still.
Soft rye
The most delicious meatloaf (see below for a teaser)
Cheese (muenster? Monterey Jack?) optional
WATERCRESS (the opposite of optional)
MAYONNAISE
Oh do you want to know about meatloaf? Same as […]
Read this entry >>9 November 2007
THIS IS SLANDER!
Here is one thing of which you may be certain: I have never purchased music by U2. It’s bad enough that my candle purchase of ‘06 has skewed me towards some kind of weird aromatherapeutical metric, but this?
Read this entry >>8 November 2007
The Last Sunsets
My very first thought upon waking this morning was, “What’s it going to be like to be dead?”
Great. One of those one of those days!
2 November 2007
What about the childrens?
Things have been rocky since I found out about Daddy’s Other Family.
Lefty: WASN’T I ENOUGH FOR YOU?
Daddy: You didn’t provide the intellectual stimulation I required.
Lefty: Huh?
Daddy: My mind needs stroking, too.
Lefty: What?
Daddy: My other wife’s really smart. She works for a think tank.
Lefty: But that’s my job! Ask anybody! It’s been my thing FOR YEARS.
Daddy: […]
30 October 2007
Best Dream Ever!!!
So last night I had this dream about Will Arnett! We were making out! In a bar! And he pushed me up on the bar, and I was like, Will Arnett people can see my underwear! And then I cut my hand on a piece of glass and it was bleeding really badly and he […]
Read this entry >>30 October 2007
Seasonal
“Chinchilla holding a sticker that he just removed from a squash.”
Dude, I’m totally going to be that chinchilla for Halloween! Don’t forget about wikipedia when you are at work and doing research but have to post something even though it’s totally boring and has nothing to do with anything [and the squash?–eds.]. You could even […]
Read this entry >>26 October 2007
Liveblogging the David Rees Lecture
GASP.
HOWL.
OH MY GOD. I’M DYING.
DID YOU HEAR THAT? DID YOU HEAR THAT?
OH MY GOD.
FUCK.
Interview next week! See you there!
25 October 2007
It’s a Date, David Rees!!!
Sigh.
Dear Mailing List My Beloved Left Hook,
I am coming out of retirement for two live performances in celebration of two of my favorite things: AFFORDABLE ART and ISLAMOFASCISM.
1. ISLAMOFASCISM
Soft-spoken conservative intellectual David Horowitz has designated October 22-26 as “Islamofascism Awareness Week.” (http://www.terrorismawareness.org/)
In case you didn’t know, we are fighting World War IV with Islamofascists– […]
22 October 2007
Wait for it.
P is the sexiest letter. That’s today’s Internet Lesson.
Meanwhile back in Japan, Osaka artist Nishikawa Sukenobu was cranking out bawdy books, one of which, “Enjo Iro Shigure” (literally, “voluptuous women’s late-autumn rain shower of sex”), went beyond pictures of the sex toys and showed illustrations of gals getting down to the nitty-gritty of putting the […]
20 October 2007
Metaween
Your lovely Mirrors don’t celebrate Halloween. It is a children’s holiday. Remember? Ah, how we loved it then. The creativity, the candy. The fascination of peering into our neighbors’ foyers. Now Halloween means girls dressing up as sexy witches, sexy cats, and sexy devils. DO NOT CARE.
However. Last year we joked that we’d go as […]
16 October 2007
Tuesday, All Right
This morning my mother called me and I didn’t pick up because I don’t like to ruffle my pre-masturbation time with external affairs. Pre-masturbation is reserved for anointing my body with sacred oils and chanting while leafing through The Cambridge Dictionary of Philosophy. Now that’s titillating.
Here was her message: “I’m calling you but I’m getting […]
13 October 2007
Movie Corner!!!
Michael Clayton, written and directed by Tony Gilroy.
Hey, everybody! Wasn’t it funny how the Tilda Swinton character was shown getting dressed and we saw that flabby bulge of flesh under her bra? Wasn’t it funny and didn’t it make her look sad and old and grasping and pathetic even though George Clooney in real life […]
7 October 2007
Embarrassment 101
My computer just said the word “PENIS.” Really loudly. In the library.
All I did was click on the image of a Maya word glyph, thinking it would enlarge (heh). I didn’t know audio was involved! And I wasn’t playing favorites. Penis happens to be aat, so it was the first glyph on the page.
I quickly […]
Read this entry >>7 October 2007
BREAKING NEWS: LEFT HOOK’S FIRST EMOTICON
It was this:
It indicated sadness and/or regret. It was used in an email to my ex-boss. In the email, it wasn’t a cheerful yellow face, just a plain old colon and open parenthesis.
Here was the context:
Unfortunately I’m busy all day tomorrow.
The emoticon was a synecdoche for:
…so I cannot do sound […]
7 October 2007
Thursday.
Thing is, for Masturbation Opus I need to learn about Wittgenstein.
Also, Pistol is what we call a Bad Influence.
Pistol: Why not have an itters bitters drink?
Lefty: Because then I can’t sleep.
Pistol: We’ll swing by my house and pick up some Ambien first.
Lefty: Huh.
Pistol: And you can borrow a philosophy book.
Lefty: (small voice) I was […]
4 October 2007
It is WAY too big!
(T.W.S.S.)
I’m talking about the backpack I just bought for Lappy. You see, now that I have a job (is it a job if I don’t get paid for like a year?) I have to carry him, along with a pile of books about the Aztecs, the Incans, the Holy Roman Empire and imperial Spain wherever […]
26 September 2007
IT IS WAY TOO LATE IN SEPTEMBER TO BE SINGING THIS SONG!
Read this entry >>
26 September 2007
The Unbearable Lightness
Dear Naturade,
I hate you! Why can’t I find this anymore?
Whole Foods used to carry it, but I haven’t found it there in months. Once I bought “Muscle Maker” instead of “Weight Gain” but I cannot buy that, duh, because you’ve chosen to call it MUSCLE MAKER. That’s more embarrassing than buying Imodium A-D (IT WAS […]
Read this entry >>22 September 2007
Come again?
I’ve been mentoring this woman, CB, for almost two years now. It’s totally great, but talk about Worlds Collide. The other day, she asked me to clean up a few pages for her, which are to be posted on the website of the non-profit place where she takes computer classes and so on.
Mostly I standardized […]
21 September 2007
Hamnanigans
Left Hook answers the burning questions of the day.
How the fuck is Owen Wilson?
Owen is at home and resting comfortably. He’s not “fine,” nor is he “woe-ridden.” He didn’t use either of those words. He said he didn’t want to talk, but then he didn’t hang up the phone, either, so we did that thing […]
17 September 2007
Uh…
Too many drinks, and that weird revelation?
Please stand by.
14 September 2007
Snap On.
In Brazil they are serious about their role-play-themed advertising.
Shit is viral (little joke).
Also, in this country, that guy is gay, but there… don’t bet on it. Ya know?
12 September 2007
The rugged caprices of quicksilver minds
At the party on Saturday, Pistol and I lurked by the hors d’oeuvres and discussed blow jobs, in particular the specialty known as the “mediocre blow job”, in which we both have an enthusiastic interest.
Anyway, we soon moved on to other topics of conversation. It’s never dull to be at a party (or a gas […]
10 September 2007
Dreamlandia
Maybe the worst part of the trip to Brazil was the fact that the following conversation with Christian Fernando F., brother of Marcelo and the Hook family transportation specialist, took place the night before we left:
Fernando: So, do you need a prescription to buy drugs in the United States?
Pistol: Yes.
Fernando: Really? You need a prescription?
Pistol: […]
9 September 2007
New York Times: My Perspiration is None of Your Business
Remember “one”, that useful generic pronoun? Is it, like, extinct or something? Even for newspaper dinosaurs?
Ms. Madden is 59, blond, with a personal style so warm and focused that after a while you begin to sweat.
Also, I had to read this sentence three times, and it still don’t parse:
“There ain’t no phone and there never […]
7 September 2007
bloody knees
Ever since I converted to Christianity (last Thursday), life has been pretty boring. If by boring you mean an awesome feeling of relief!
You know how they (?) say all good dialogue is in essence just alternating “Yes” and “No”? Well, I thought life meant alternating the statements “I don’t want to live” with “I don’t […]
1 September 2007
Bookpranker
I hogged this to myself for a while, but since robots in the Netherlands aren’t voracious readers of secondhand books, I guess it’s safe to let it loose. Northside Junk (in Williamsburg, corner of Driggs and N. 9) is selling all books for $1 each.
The book section used to be the best part of the […]
31 August 2007
Onan Revisited
The weird thing about masturbating is, IT’S SUCH FUCKING HARD WORK!
They don’t tell you that in school. You gotta just learn it on the streets. Just you and your hand(s)/finger(s). No one can help you. No one tells you how long it should take, and if you should go really fast or sort of slow […]
27 August 2007
Giggle Corner
Jernigan!
“Peter Jernigan,” I said.
“Martha Peretsky,” she said. Hands went out. As I do with women, I clasped firmly but did not shake. (With men I pump up and down.)
Hey, that’s how I do it, too! Ding-dong whang-a-lang READ THIS BOOK.
26 August 2007
The Ultimate Sacrifice
It took a long time to get home from Brazil–duh, but also because first we flew from Rio to Sao Paulo, and that flight was delayed, and somewhere in there an hour-plus wait on the security line, and then we had a few hours in the airport before the flight to New York, and that […]
Read this entry >>17 August 2007
We’ll get our snakeskin somewhere else
Last night I was excited to share my World Experiences and called my new boyfriend from Sao Paulo.
Read this entry >>15 August 2007
OH MY GOD WE ARE HAVING SO MUCH FUN WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Funny snaps!
Fruta de conde…
Wow. Who’s THAT?
Read this entry >>8 August 2007
Link of the Day
Dear Fiend,
I’m writing to share the latest hip web address with you. In my job as junior content editor, I scour the bounty of the internet to bring you precious goodies like this. Some of my colleagues implored me not to share the link with you. “It’s too hot,” they hissed. “You’ll ruin it. Save […]
7 August 2007
Greatest Ad Ever.
In craigslist free stuff:
Backstory, conflict, and comedy in 2 short sentences. My neighbors figured out what was happening might be the SHAPES of August.
btw: Park Slope. (Who knew it was so funny down there?)
Hahaha! Potato Cannon
6 August 2007
The Sound of 1,000,000 Architects Dying
The New York Times: Even a Master Needs Help Sometimes
Read this entry >>3 August 2007
We Speak of Books, and it is Hot
You’re all dying to know how things are going with my new boyfriend. Here’s a transcript of one of our recent conversations.
Left Hook: Guess what, I finished Anna Karenina!
Daddy: …
Lefty: Yawn.
Daddy: …
Lefty: Haha! Just joking.
Daddy: …
Lefty: Sort of.
Daddy: …
Lefty: But seriously, why is finding God the solution to the plot pickle of like every 19th […]
1 August 2007
Please Don’t Be Jealous…
…but I have a new boyfriend. Pistol Whip and I picked him up on the way home from the Brazilian Consulate. I don’t think he’s Brazilian, though. We were already in Brooklyn when we met him.
What’s the first thing every gal likes to do with a new sexpal and confidante? Accessorize him. Click through to […]
27 July 2007
MODERN SKAMP
Yes, that’s a K.
Bali Skimp Skamp Modern Brief
Hello, English? I want to rape you till I’m dead.
Skimp Skamp. (I had to write it out one more time to be certain I wasn’t dreaming.)
25 July 2007
The Magick Mirror
Pretend we are a funtimes comics.
Item! WE HAVE A SUICIDE PACT LOL!
Item! WE’RE GOING TO BRAZIL!
Item! PMS IS REAL!
Look!
It’s Left Hook’s father (see Item #2)!
Question! She has a human father?
Question! Does that explain EVERYTHING LOL?
Question! A LACE ASCOT, seriously?
24 July 2007
Hate Mail
John Monus used to be a realtor at a Century 21 in Austin, Texas. What do you think caused him to move to Brooklyn, NY, and leave sticky notes (gross) on strangers’ front doors (ditto)?
Could it be he’s a jerk?
Let’s examine his handwriting and find out.
18 July 2007
creature feature
Last night I did something bad that I haven’t done in a while: browse the homeless pets on petfinder. Look at this little guy–talk about soul!
Turns out he’s at the Elmsford Animal Shelter, which is where we adopted my childhood dog, Hickory. (Yes, yours truly named him. And yes, a package of bacon was involved.) […]
Read this entry >>15 July 2007
penance
“it’s on sale and i haven’t bought a nice dress since i got married and that was not actually technically a nice dress i mean it was from express or some store thereabouts on 5th and 20th and in retrospect it never was ideal aka not the most flattering and anyway that was like six […]
Read this entry >>11 July 2007
Let’s Compare
Please don’t let USA Today run my obituary. Here’s the photo of Lady Bird Johnson they chose for their front page:
And here’s how the Gray Lady handled the grey lady:
I’d rather be remembered as Jerri Blank than Edie Beale.
Read this entry >>9 July 2007
Shapes the Final Frontier
First there were shapes: circles, squares, and so on. Then came shapes.
Like, see that dude across the street? “I like the shape,” you can say.
Also, “I have a pain in my shape,” can mean you went to the gym and overdid it on the leg press.
The day after Remembrance of Independence, Pistol Whip and I […]
8 July 2007
If you take away this pain Lord I swear I will probably never drink again. Please.
Last night.
The only thing I can imagine eating right now is a single Cheerio. Or, excuse me but I must puke. Again.
6 July 2007
dreamjob
Is this for reals? Opinions, please.
Speaking of, I need someone to remove the hair that gets tangled in my vacuum cleaner’s roller. I will pay $30 per hour. It is half an hour of work (but if you have experience, it will only take you ten minutes!) once or twice a month. Interested?
p.s. That seems […]
4 July 2007
Go Easy On Me, Queen of Languages
One can live quietly and try to do tiny good things and harm no one. I cannot think of any tiny good thing to do at the moment, but perhaps I shall think of one tomorrow.1
Once a boy was lying in my bed and said, “I don’t read women writers.”
That was a while ago, and […]
2 July 2007
google pinball
At the time of SEX, real himself cannot take out before him but it is a thing also with moderate pant voice. ※この場合 real himself は real herself です–or, more simply, Macy’s.
HE needs to GET REAL himself, but, that would ruin his image! Hmmmmm - I can say what (allegedly) happened…I read that he was […]
26 June 2007
Fuck You, 20 Bayard
Dear 20 Bayard,
Fuck you! We here at Meta-Mirror have never seen such an egregious example of architectural excrement. And now, after months of noise pollution and construction debris, you put a password on your wifi network? Because god forbid the neighborhood people who have to put up with having diarrhea smeared in their eyes […]
25 June 2007
Eternal Narcissist of Narcissist Mind
Movie productions are common on my block but this is the biggest one yet. It’s for Charlie Kaufman’s new film.
They’ve got Royal Oak shuttered, and they’re not even shooting in there tonight. Orange traffic cones extend for blocks in all directions. The NYPD tow truck is creeping by at this moment, on the lookout for […]
21 June 2007
The sensitive soul to tears, etc.
Three hours a day perusing the job listings on craigslist can make a person in a delicate frame of mind eager to play the slitting wrists game. The hundreds of postings ought to make me feel that there’s a world of employment at my fingertips, but instead, each ad is a reproof: look how woefully […]
Read this entry >>19 June 2007
Overheard on Union–real time
“He’s crazy–he sees a psychologist and all this stuff.”
***
“You don’t mind if you sit on the front seat with Patrick on your lap?”
“No, not at all.”
“He likes to sit on laps.”
***
“What do you think this is, a fucking neighborhood?”
15 June 2007
Redundancy Dept.
Figure A.
Read this entry >>13 June 2007
Always the last one to know
So this is how it’s gonna be?
I prefer Bridges of Despair over Bridges of Hope. The former is like some totally brutal, little-known collection of poetry that you carry around in your breastpocket; the latter a straightedge band from Delaware who played at The Spiral in 1995 two bands before your boyfriend’s band.
Why they now […]
7 June 2007
literally, bodog style
Q: My brain hurts.
A: Thinking is hard work!!!
Hahaha! Too bad “brainwork” does not earn “clams.” Right? Because let me tell you, that scorpion in my brain is one sick fuck.
So, here we go again.
quote (all text attributes added willy-nilly by yours truly):
Sell What EVERYONE WANTS & USES!
4 June 2007
Monday Linkshow
Hanty Panty!!!
Read this entry >>3 June 2007
twofer
The what.
Last night on the bathroom line at a popular Lower East Side bar, which on the weekends is swamped with cretinous 20-something girls who get dressed up to go out to bars, and the guys who hang out with them.
The warm up.
An annoying girl and her annoying friends are ahead of Left Hook on […]
31 May 2007
Who will play Jenny Wren?
With Blogue Partenaire off to the wilds of Alabama (am I allowed to say that?) for the aforementioned wedding, I have nothing better to do than sit, glassy-eyed, and muse on the human condition.
Out of sheer laziness, I invite anyone who wants to guestwrite or ghostwrite an entry to send it in, and if it’s […]
30 May 2007
I just finally took the time to respect my body.
The second episode is better than the first. The editor’s on too much lorazepam, but Michael Cera is a national treasure.
If you don’t rewind the shot of him passing the ball to his buddy in the gym, I don’t know what you are.
29 May 2007
Start Your Day With Horror
Just like me!!!
Do an image search for “house centipede” then see how happy I was to be woken up at 4:45 am by one of these things crawling in my hair!!!
Result: one half-squashed house centipede lying beside me on the bed and a big pile of hair I pulled out in my frantic violent attempts […]
25 May 2007
Tiny World
Jim at Ugly Luggage writes the funniest tags for the stuff in his shop. Like once for JB’s birthday I gave her a geode that someone had made into a little terrarium by sticking a wee cactus inside it. So: tiny world.
There’s a little backyard to my apartment and if I have the day off […]
23 May 2007
Bloopers
The other girl at work ain’t the sharpest tack in the box.
Boss: …time code.
Left Hook (in a quavery old lady voice): I was born before time code.
Other Girl: What? Tie code?
20 May 2007
Sunday. Nice!
Read this entry >>
17 May 2007
And Onan knew that the seed would not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest he should give seed to his brother.
In the mornings I sit at my computer and masturbate. I am so grandly deluded that I think the world being okay depends on whether or not I succeed at masturbating every morning.
Sometimes I assist others in their masturbation pursuits: for example, I mentor a woman who started masturbating in prison. Every month or so […]
16 May 2007
Wednesday evening at work (REAL TIME) >>updated!
For a [adjectives redacted out of paranoia–ed.] project at my fake job, I have to write a list of questions for an instructional DVD about photography.
Right off the bat I was cracking myself up:
How important is your equipment?
Heh!
And then, after a long list of questions like, “Do you have a make-up kit in your […]
16 May 2007
Official.
Mr. Nairobi Sanchez, Esq., our legal counsel, asked me to post the following:
The Board of Directors convened an emergency meeting at 9:08 pm on Monday to discuss the grave ramifications of Pistol Whip’s “menstrual post.”
It pleases the Board to report that a moratorium on similarly-themed subject matter has been unanimously passed. In a written statement, […]
9 May 2007
Big Red
Kool-Aid pickles, huh?
Read this entry >>7 May 2007
Yawn Story
Friday night was the One Story reading. Kind of lame going to a reading without my trusty sidekick, but you know, when you make your living blagging about literature, science, and social anthropology, you can’t miss an event like this just because you have PMS (still somewhat unexplained by science) and an aversion to going […]
Read this entry >>5 May 2007
the back page
We’d have to change our name to -Mirror if we didn’t mention that Gawker linked to us yesterday.
A gadfly there proclaimed us: “JUST TERRIBLE.”
Terrible, eh? Have you seen Lady Hook’s HAIR or Dame Pistol’s LEGS? How do you think we got the link, anyway?
The only terrible thing around here is the fact that Pistol’s away […]
4 May 2007
Creepliments!
*Creepliment du Jour*
It had been a long day for Left Hook with very little love. Could it have been my shoes? You’d think somewhere out there in the carnal swirl of Union Square, where Lefty was seated with La Mère Gaucher, enjoying the noontime sun, there’d be at least a handful of guys who appreciate […]
3 May 2007
I Got Robbed. Seriously.
La Mère Gaucher is in town and she wanted to do some thrifting. She likes the la-di-da places and I like the gutter, but luckily, this neighborhood I know, called FoCo, has the whole spectrum–from the designer shit at the City Opera Thrift Shop to the sketchy delights of the Salvation Army.
We were at the […]
30 April 2007
Window Seat
I have the window seat. The guy in the middle seat doesn’t stand up to let me by.
In some places it’s considered polite to turn your buttocks to the person you’re squeezing past; in other places it’s polite to turn your buttocks away.
I fly so much on business I forget where I am sometimes.
The tarmac […]
28 April 2007
I Know the Feeling
From: Mr. Pistol
Sent: Saturday, April 28, 2007 9:48 AM
To: Pistol Whip; Left Hook; Garro; Desmo
Subject: Not responsible
To Whom It May Concern,
FYI BTW WTF – Mr. Pistol will not be held responsible for any conversations had on Friday, April 27th after 8pm EDT. Please call me on my mobile phone if you have any questions or […]
26 April 2007
I wag to the right for you, baby
Article in the Times about dogs and the significance of their tail-waggery. Apparently, their tails bear to the right when they’re happy to see you.
Which begs the question…
Read this entry >>25 April 2007
Vocabulatrix
Sit up straight when your schoolmarm walks into the classroom. Today’s word is erumpent. Can anyone tell me what erumpent means? No? Well, what if Schoolmarm were to tell you that it describes what’s going on right now, not only all around you, but in your own bodies, specifically in your gonads (noun, an organ […]
Read this entry >>22 April 2007
The week in review with Left Hook and Pistol Whip
MONDAY. Left Hook is home sick with the flu.
Left Hook: Hello, Pistol? Primordial dwarves on channel 9.
Pistol Whip: Huh?
Lefty: DO IT.
Pistol: Oh, my, God.
Lefty: I know.
Pistol: […]
Lefty: That one is kind of hot, though.
Giggles. An uncomfortable silence.
Pistol: I see what you mean.
Later.
Lefty: Call me an idiot, but I didn’t realize […]
17 April 2007
How The Fuck is This Newsworthy?
Last night on Dateline, the powers-that-be trotted out correspondent Hoda Kotb, and had her speak on camera for several minutes about her alma mater.
Today, I’m wearing orange, one of Virginia Tech’s colors. The school colors are actually maroon and orange. I remember in college, and we didn’t love the color scheme— we thought the two […]
12 April 2007
Poke me and sawdust comes out
Lots about old people me at the Times today!!!
“‘I’m healthy as a horse now,’ Mr. Wasserman, a part-time consultant in Manhattan, said, ‘but I may need [a shower chair and a higher toilet seat] when I’m older.’ He may also need good reasons to get up in the morning. Gerontologists say that boredom and a […]
10 April 2007
Gray Lady in Red
Lots about sex at the New York Times today.
“Similar differences between the sexes are seen by Marc Breedlove, a neuroscientist at Michigan State University. ‘Most males are quite stubborn in their ideas about which sex they want to pursue, while women seem more flexible,’ he said.”
BREEDLOVE? Seriously?
“At the same time, the researchers said, it is […]
9 April 2007
BJ=7?
I’ve always wanted to be a bartender. For one thing, bartending conflates two of my favorite hobbies:
mocking people
flirting with dudes
The drunker they get, the more opportunities for EITHER of the above activities. Win/win, people!
I’m one step closer to my cherished dream since I’ve been moonlighting at a local music venue. I worked the box office, […]
5 April 2007
OhMyGod! Click on View More Pics!!!
Sometimes you come across a little nugget like this, and you just can’t pass it up, even though you saw it 11 and a half hours ago but the server was down at work so you couldn’t post it till now and you don’t feel like gagglin’ around to see if it’s already been blogged […]
Read this entry >>5 April 2007
The Unmustered
I can’t close.
Read this entry >>4 April 2007