Posts by Pistol Whip:
26 May 2008
One Pistol’s Opinion, vol. 2
White people shouldn’t wear wear white sunglasses.
Read this entry >>25 May 2008
One Pistol’s Opinion
For some reason, I am totally rooting for Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz.
They seem compatible.
Maybe it’s their hair.
Read this entry >>29 April 2008
It’s like my team won The Big Game.
Cuz I’m so highbrow, bitchez.
Son Plans to Publish Nabokov’s Last Novel
28 April 2008
…if you beat the tree with it.
I am such a late bloomer that I am just now assembling my first futon-couch, at age [redacted]. Yep, up until now I’ve been sitting on milk crates and drinking out of a tin cup!
All right, not really. It’s for my basement. Imagine: futon-couch, two folding tables, a 20-pack of toilet paper, and a ficus […]
29 March 2008
The calf’s nose
I know that the supposed point of blogs is that they offer up-to-the-minute commentary on stuff that’s happening right now, which is why newspapers are dying and the world is ending and all, and hence, that it’s kind of pitiful to write a post about something that was in the New Yorker two weeks ago, […]
Read this entry >>28 March 2008
nightfreak
Last night at Youpers, Glen said something, and then I said something, and then Glen said something, and then I said, FUCK YOU, GLEN! and Glen said, In your dreams! and then while my poor soupy brain was trying to work up a comeback, Glen said, In your MARRIED dreams! and then Lefty and I […]
Read this entry >>10 February 2008
Awkward!
Because I am a narcissist, I am obsessed with figuring out what I look like. And also, because I am confused. Globally, I’m talking. Existentially! I really, really, really can’t figure out what I look like. Hence, there is a lot of staring in the mirror chez Pistol. I find photographs of myself fascinating and […]
Read this entry >>6 February 2008
I am hoping this will cheer you up a little, Lefty
Remember? Funny? We laugh?
Sigh.
Anyways:
That is Bryan “Bug” Jennings of the Defibrillators performing his rejected Axe Body Spray rap at the Rejection Show in December. Thank you Jon Friedman.
Read this entry >>5 February 2008
TGIST
I am so relieved that it’s finally Primary Day, even though I still don’t know who I’m voting for, because I don’t think I can endure any more grinning clean-cut youths covered in Obama stickers and buttons (wacky!) lunging at me in the Union Square train station and shouting, “High-five for Obama!!!!!!!!!!!!!” In my face.
Seriously. […]
26 January 2008
Smash your head on the cock rock
I wanted to know Philip Roth. Or, more accurately, I didn’t want to not know Philip Roth. People talk him up like he’s Mr. Important–ofttimes people who are smart.
A shameful percentage of my delvings-into-things begin with the same impulse: not curiosity, but fear of humiliation. What if the world finds out that I have never […]
23 January 2008
RIP, dude.
Here at Meta-Mirror, Inc. we do not usually concern ourselves with celebrity news, at least not publicly. I mean, sure, if Lefty and I bump into one another at the watercooler we might chat about Amy Winehouse’s latest hijinx–we’re only human!–but we are always sure to punctuate those convos with something like:
-Who IS Amy Winehouse, […]
8 January 2008
Don’t watch this.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck, yesterday’s Times article about Bindi Irwin.
I only looked at it because it was on the Most Emailed list. And because I feel sorry for exploited children. F’realz.
I did not know it would involve a video, and that that video would infect my brain with this song.
It’s hard to think of a less likely child […]
Read this entry >>7 January 2008
Low-tone kids
For a long time I was a nursery school teacher, and every Monday we had a staff meeting during which anti-lulz reached dangerous levels except once this bouncy insane occupational therapist came and jumped around and sprayed scented mists into the air, which was sooooo refreshing and made me feel ready to learn, or at […]
Read this entry >>5 January 2008
Still alive, still an asshole.
In case you were wondering.
Hmm. So, for Christmas, a generous somebody got me three-fifths of the Library of America’s Complete Stories of Henry James. Them are some handsome books: compact little hardcovers with cute patterned flyleaves, place-marking ribbons, and they have that slippery onionskin paper that signifies THIS IS A SERIOUS ENDEAVOR. Mommy likes!
Henry James […]
Read this entry >>11 December 2007
GodDAMN.
People, I am so fucking brilliant, because do you know what I just made for dinner? Short ribs. And do you know what the most delicious food in the world is? Short ribs. OH MY GOD.
A few weeks ago when Father Hook was in town, Lefty and I had dinner with him and his colleague […]
Read this entry >>6 December 2007
Life’s Rich Pageant
So I was re-alphabetizing my CDs–oh my God this is your favorite blog ever because I write such interesting posts, right???–and every time I do that I’m like, THIS IS STUPID FUCK IT I’M GETTING RID OF ALL OF THEM RIGHT NOW, because what are CDs even? And then I usually do get rid of […]
Read this entry >>5 December 2007
Tots ‘n’ Tats
In which Pistol inspires a new generation.
GRACIE: It’s good you got them to put it there [taps Pistol’s wrist tattoo] because it’s sort of like a secret. A good secret.
BABY: I want one. [Taps own wrist.]
SAUCY: You have to be a grown-up, dummy.
BABY: And it go bzzz-zzz-zzz. At the tattoo shop. Right Pistol?
GRACIE: Saucy […]
2 December 2007
Let the Darkness Do the Rest
Sometimes when I think about how everything is meaningless and the world is probably ending anyway, I’m like, Fuck it. Who cares. Place is a trash heap anyway. I invite the sun to explode and swallow up this whole stupid mess!
Except, oh my God, the opera.
Last night Inspector Corset and I saw La Nozze di […]
30 November 2007
Being-Bad and Nothingness
I’m pretty sure the world is ending.
Everything is phenomenally fucked up; that much is obvious. You know, on the one hand, people letting their babies starve because they are too busy playing video games, and on the other, people all hot to blow themselves up for a cause. The best lack all conviction, while the […]
20 November 2007
T.A.D.L.A.R.
You read this blog to be dazzled by the fecundity of our imaginations, right? How psyched are you, then, for…
PISTOL’S WEEK IN DREAMZZZ
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14 November 2007
The bone zone is the opposite of death
My little sister got married this weekend. And everybody knows what that means!!! We’re all going to die! But first, we’re going to get OLD. And also, It’s about time I started acting like a grown-up.
Okay, she’s actually my big sister.
But sometimes when we play “Who do you think is older?” people say me. Because […]
13 November 2007
He was a good little buddy.
Guys, Sidekick died.
Epic sigh.
Mr. Pistol said No more T-Mobile–he was very stern about it–and that means no new Sidekick. So I went to the stupid Verizon store to learn about cell phones.
I don’t want to learn about cell phones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6 November 2007
I Hate the World #4
It’s BLIND ITEM time!
WHICH lion of American letters wrote the following sentence, which makes me want to claw my eyes out?
Laura’s face was as sweet as ever, her breasts were as full as ever, and who could question that her heart was in the right place?
And also inexplicably–and repeatedly!–refers to sex as “intercourse.” In the […]
4 November 2007
Workin’ on livin’
I am lucky because at my job, everybody loves me. I don’t mean like when that lady at your office brings in cookies and everyone is like, “OMG I love you!” but actually they are all completely indifferent to her, except for an occasional stinging flash of pity, and are obviously just taking the […]
Read this entry >>31 October 2007
FINALLY.
Read this entry >>
25 October 2007
Reality or Flannery O’Connor story?
Pit Bulls Kill Miniature Horse Donated To Cancer-Stricken Child
Or just another proof for the non-existence of God.
24 October 2007
Mirrors is talking about…
Endless Love by Scott Spencer
Most embarrassing cover for subway reading.
Disgustingest sex scene ever. (So! Much! Blood!)
In general: weird! And often annoying, but with a few flashes of real loveliness.
If we were gonna write novels about obsession, we’d totes do it differently.
Etc.
23 October 2007
Volcanoes mean death, etc.
Getting a job was supposed to help me think less about death. Ha!
SAUCY [clutching a stuffed animal to her breast]: This is my snake. I love him. And I’ve had him for so many years!
PISTOL: When’d you get him, anyway?
SAUCY: 1984.
PISTOL: Seriously?
SAUCY: [Nods earnestly.] Ask Gracie. She was with me.
PISTOL: Hmpf.
SAUCY: What?
PISTOL: I’m just trying […]
21 October 2007
The grand smear
Dude. You’ve got to witness Lee Siegel clobbering the fuck out of Alice Sebold’s new novel The Almost Moon in today’s Book Review. Seriously: this is Must-See TV, folks. I wouldn’t want to give everything away, but I can’t help mentioning that he compares the thing to “one very long MySpace page.” And concludes with […]
Read this entry >>19 October 2007
Ambiyum!
The brooding Lady Pharmacist at the Rite-Aid gave me 30 Ambiens when she was supposed to give me 10!
Ambien is my fave pill. I think that might mean I’m getting old. Because my fave pill used to be Dexedrine.
But it’s not because I love sleep. I fucking hate sleep. What a waste of time.
What I […]
17 October 2007
Girl with no name
Walking to work in my lady clothes, I feel a little crazy inside. Who am I? I wonder. What is this? I love the lady clothes, but they feel like drag.
When you get a job, don’t you kind of become a different person? A little bit? That’s one of the things I worry about.
When I […]
14 October 2007
Silence is golden
PHEW! My vow of silence is officially OVER. I emerge refreshed and replenished, with a dazzling aura of inner peace that is evident in all of last night’s drunken self-portraits. It’s almost a little spooky!
I’m not sure whose idea it was for me to go to Quiet Camp for the One Week Word Cleanse. (So […]
5 October 2007
Watch out, Oh My Rockness
Cuz Bandsintown’s in town.
Right now I’m pretty tickled with it, but I guess we did just meet.
Thanks to recent Gawker celebrity Multislacker for the tip. (NOT the rattail guy. Shudder.)
3 October 2007
Fables for Our Times
PISTOL AND THE CRONE
One fine summer morning, Pistol got dressed and ready to go out for the day, and, straightening her skirt in the mirror before she left, thought, Dag, this shit is DANGEROUS. She was pretty sure she was completely on top of her game.
On the street, her suspicions were confirmed. A fellow rolled […]
2 October 2007
Off the dole
They took away my gimp card on the first day of September, as per Dr. Lifesaver’s instructions. Soon after that, I had my monthly meeting with the Scar Club and for the first time, I thought, Hey, I don’t actually have much in common with these people anymore. Then, last week, Dr. Chen told me […]
Read this entry >>27 September 2007
Cringeasana
I’ve been waiting pretty much my entire life for a stranger with a skateboard to talk to me on the street.
Well guys, it finally happened!!!
Except, it wasn’t exactly how I dreamed it would be. Sigh. Like they say: be careful what you wish for; you just might get humiliated on the street by a pack […]
24 September 2007
Girl gone mild
I couldn’t get drunk this weekend. It was weird.
LET’S GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.
20 September 2007
Goddamn the gods
This week has been what grad school should’ve been: lots of drinking whiskey and shooting the shit with our idols.
Except, it’s confusing when they turn out to be real people, and give too many details about their hernia surgery, etc.
Plus, this:
On Sunday night, Lefty and I picked up The Smartest Man in the Room at […]
18 September 2007
That is my wings
This broad is pretty much my hero.
Read this entry >>15 September 2007
Seriously?
Read this entry >>
13 September 2007
Book Club!!!
It took me six months to read Emma, a fact I am not proud of. I must’ve read seven or eight other books during that time. I tell you that out of pride, not because it’s necessary information. Meaning: I’m not a retard, I swear!
But yeah. For five months, three weeks, and four days, I […]
11 September 2007
Michael Cera sextape!!!!!!
When you’re anticipating spending a week with your family, it’s easy to get cocky. You’re the youngster! You’re sparkly and clever… You have the nicest shoes… And you haven’t lost your looks yet! It is your job to curse at the dinner table, make sex jokes, and guide folks through popular culture. You’re the gadfly […]
Read this entry >>9 September 2007
I go where I’m led
Just in time for a subtropical storm by the name of Gabrielle.
XXX.
7 September 2007
Skull of Zeus
Some thoughts, feelings, ideas, observations, and speculations about my second favorite subject in the world: Left Hook!
WHO IS LEFT HOOK? AND WHERE DID SHE COME FROM?
From the first moment you meet Left Hook, you know that there is something different about her. Something so, so, so special.
What is she? you ask yourself.
Is she one of […]
5 September 2007
Q: Can ANYTHING be a drug?
A. I think so.
For months, I was obsessed with the Shangri-Las. I spent a portion of every day slack-jawed and ecstatic, headphones in ears.
4 September 2007
I wonder if my lawyer really thinks I’m pretty, or does she just say that cuz I’ve been paying her all these years?
Sometimes I have private jokes with myself. I think of them and I laugh out loud.
Lols!!!!!
Here’s the latest: I’ve stopped referring to my therapist as “my therapist” in my head. It’s much funnier to call her “my lawyer” instead!
For example:
I totally forgot to tell my lawyer about my latest sex dream! She’s gonna want to […]
Read this entry >>30 August 2007
The Integral Screw
Everybody has questions about our trip to Brazil! Everybody from my dermatologist to my mom to my friends to my “friends.” Case in point:
so how much brazilian cock did you get?
be honest.
it tastes like the salt cod, no?
bacalhau!
i’d eat the fuck outta some bacalhau.
homo.
I know Left Hook and I […]
29 August 2007
the jeans grail
Every night I pray to God to send me a proper pair of jeans. Here’s what I wish for:
dark wash
high (natural!) waist
straightish leg
That doesn’t seem like so terribly much to ask. It seems, to me at least, like the Platonic ideal of jeans! WHY SHOULD IT BE SO HARD, THEN?
Read this entry >>24 August 2007
DON’T WORRY. WE ARE NOT DEAD.
Were you afraid we were dead? Aww, that’s so cute. You must really like us!
Things got hairy in Brazil. We caught colds! Then we went to Rio, and we lost our identities. Rio is dangerous, people. So we took off our name chains, lest they be ripped from our necks. And we never take off […]
18 August 2007
The Shape of Your Inbox
Remember, we are at your postcard-composing beck and call.
Drop us a line at mirror (dot) meta (at) gmail (dot) com (or click the email link below) with your address, or that of a hated/loved one, and we’ll do our best to charm with pen and ink.
Bom dia!
13 August 2007
Want postcards?
We don’t know how well we’ll be able to maintain the blog from Brazil (because, do they have computers there???), but we’ve got our quills cocked and ready to compose some old-fashioned postcards.
And you know what? Left Hook and I write a bang-up postcard. Perhaps you would like one?
Kindly email your address to mirror [dot] […]
Read this entry >>12 August 2007
And we’re off
We have a lot of pills for the plane rides to and from Brazil. Some of them I’ve taken today. “This time I think you should try a whole Ativan,” Lefty said over the phone earlier. “You need to see if it works!” I did as she said, because Left Hook knows best.
Uh, it works.
Now […]
10 August 2007
Low fidelity
Last night Youpers was insanely crowded like it was Saturday night, since the Beastie Boys show had just let out. Yuck. Secret Keeper managed to save three seats at the bar until Left Hook and I arrived, using only her leg and her wits. Oh, plus a DON’T FUCK WITH ME attitude. Duh.
Anyway it was […]
9 August 2007
Back on the premises
I’m back, and people have been asking me how my vacation was.
The vacation I remember: a series of cloudy days interwoven with existential angst, unwelcome childhood memories, and my mom.
The vacation Sidekick remembers:
I’m gonna go with the latter. It was sweet, y’all!
5 August 2007
Boston postcard
Four words:
STEELY DAN COVER BAND.
2 August 2007
Book Club
Wherein I talk about the books I’ve been reading, and you fall asleep.
Do you ever ask yourself why you read books? Well, I have the answer: because of the bald brutal horror of reality!
Like, to escape it! Duh.
Read this entry >>30 July 2007
Dear Phoenix,
I can relate.
Heart,
Pistol
P.S. Cute title, Economist!
29 July 2007
Behind the scenes
If you think it’s easy to co-run one of the internet’s top Narcissistic Mind Blogs, you are dead wrong. Yesterday’s post required research. (Are you there, Intern? It’s me, Pistol.) I needed: pictures of modest bathing costumes. I found: pictures of Islamic and Christian swimsuits, and Victorian reproduction swimwear patterns. All interesting and on-topic!
But sometimes […]
28 July 2007
16 days to go…
I had big plans for our Brazil trip. Because I am one of the stars of a hilarious and popular (imaginary) internet TV show, I think in terms of webisodes. This was going to be a great one. Imagine Pistol and Lefty at some teeming sexbeach in Rio…
So many wacky gags therein!!! Pistol, clad in […]
Read this entry >>26 July 2007
Nag cycle
I’m starting to think the laundromat lady thinks it’s ALL ABOUT HER. Yesterday evening I was there rubbing one out* (okay, actually two), and while I was taking my stuff out of the dryer, she kept yelling at me to STOP RUSHING. She was all, “Slow down! Slow down! Slow down! I’ll be open another […]
Read this entry >>25 July 2007
TMI redux
Today when Mr. Pistol came home from work, he asked me how I was doing. (How chivalrous!) “Fucking horrible,” I said. “My hormones hate me. God hates me. And my tits are carrying the weight of the world.”
Heh.
But seriously. Earlier I was walking in midtown and a businessman smiled right at them. That was a […]
20 July 2007
Pistol Whip sickened, perhaps traumatized by cleaning product advertisement
Girls are gross.
I guess so is sex.
I think the man might be dead.
Feet.
mommy-daddy dance
AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!
I scrubbed my brain with lye soap and I still feel so dirty.
19 July 2007
I’m sorry, Mayor Bloomberg
But I can’t concentrate on this article about how pissed you are that Albany rejected your traffic plan, because of that BOSS-ASS SIGN NEXT TO YOUR HEAD.
Yowza!
Read this entry >>17 July 2007
News you can use
Read this entry >>
16 July 2007
The revolutionary costume for today
I really want one of these:
I had one the summer I was twelve, and I remember liking how it looked against my tan wrist. (I will admit, I’ve always been vain about my wrists.)
That summer was the apex of my preppy phase. Being a prep was the only way I could manage to freak my […]
14 July 2007
Summer Proper
Read this entry >>
13 July 2007
No future
One day not long ago, Left Hook and I were discussing her career conundrum on the telephone. Lefty agonized, and I attempted to reassure her. I told her that she was brilliant and talented and thoroughly delightful (and how!), and that I was positive she would figure it out.
She sighed, unconvinced. “What about you? Do […]
12 July 2007
Thanks for making me feeling like a REAL pedophile, International Herald Tribune
From Michael Cera’s comedy of raw adolescence:
Michael Cera, who just turned 19 years old but whose peach-fuzz cheeks and deceptively innocent eyes make him seem at least five years younger…
Yeah yeah, I know I can be a creep when it comes to teens. But c’mon. He does not look FOURTEEN YEARS OLD.
Does he?
Normally I’d make […]
10 July 2007
Dude’s a heavy lifter
The scene: a couple lying in bed, post-[redacted].
She [looking at the bookshelf across the room]: Hey, could you move my shelf tonight?
He: Heh. I just did.
She: Wha?
He: Haha.
She: Seriously, what’s that even mean?
He: I don’t actually know.
She: …
He: …
She: Naw, I get it… I guess.
8 July 2007
Mistakes were made
Ladies and gentleman, last night something happened to your blogeuses. Something bad.
Read this entry >>3 July 2007
Swaddleme
I can’t sleep at night.
Read this entry >>29 June 2007
What’s worse than sweaty pearls?
The other day–whichever day was the hottest this week–I saw this girl walking up Bedford and I was totally prepared to give her the Dumbest Girl of the Week Prize. She was wearing: superskinny black jeans tucked into black motorcycle boots, a wifebeater, Wayfarers, and [drumroll please] about 47 pounds of faux pearls around her […]
Read this entry >>28 June 2007
Stars are just like us
They’re paranoid schizophrenics too!
Read this entry >>28 June 2007
Toys were toys and boys were boys.
I’ll say.
[The second half is all fucked up, soundwise.]
Read this entry >>27 June 2007
Losing the plot
Reader, I have a tendency to get lost. I get on these kicks where I deconstruct the fuck out of every little thing, and do you know what the result of that is? Nothing makes any sense.
I mean, sure: the world is random and chaotic, all “meaning” is human-manufactured and ultimately a mirage, etc. But […]
22 June 2007
Babysitter for hire
Reasonable rates.
Many years of experience.
Available immediately.
See collider.com interview, Part 1, 5:15: ha!
Read this entry >>21 June 2007
Sarah Jessica Parker to make nuclear bomb, literally
Sigh.
Read this entry >>20 June 2007
Word of the day!
Last night while I was trying–and, until 3:30 am, failing–to sleep, the word skeevy popped into my head, and it made me laugh out loud.
You know, like LOL.
LOL!
But seriously. What a word! There’s magic in there! The sk, the v, the long e in between… something onomatopoeic in all that, no?
I invite you to take […]
19 June 2007
All the way to the bank
GAH! I have the flu a virus that feels exactly like the flu, so everything seems horrible and depressing. But some things truly are horrible and depressing.
Starbucks to Release Sonic Youth Celebrity Compilation
Notice how many times Thurston laughs during the interview. Gives me the heebie-jeebies.
[Firecracker aka The Stickler says it is impossible to have […]
18 June 2007
I have a fever.
Which is maybe imbuing everything with a slightly ghoulish glow.
When I ordered samples of 3/8″ double cell room darkening shades last week, I didn’t give the color names a second thought…
They came in the mail today. So I’m sorting through them: Stucco, sure. Soapstone, okay. Linen. Parchment. But, Altamont?
They’re going to give that color a […]
14 June 2007
A whale of a way to die.
Yesterday at acupuncture, Dr. Chen was super-excited to tell me about that really old whale caught off the coast of Alaska. Apparently the poor beast had a 120-year-old weapon fragment embedded in his blubber.
Poor guy was just trying to live.
Anyway, I expected Dr. Chen would turn it into a life lesson, you know, Ancient Chinese […]
12 June 2007
Proof that it’s not all guilt, hate, existential horror, and weeping around here.
Sometimes, there are miracles.
Lefty gave me a strawberry plant for my birthday last year, and now, lo and behold, it has fructified once more.
Are strawberry plants supposed to survive the winter? And especially, strawberry plants in 4-inch plastic pots?
That sucker was sweet, too.
11 June 2007
Sicko
Last week I was really sick, but I kept going to shows, because I already had tickets, and at the shows I kept drinking, because drinking makes you feel better whether you’re sick or healthy. But, sigh, if you’re sick, it doesn’t make you get better. It makes you get worse. So, bad idea.
It was […]
9 June 2007
Poor Deery Lou
So I’m sitting here drinking my coffee, idly browsing antique benches and stools on eBay, when I happen upon THE WORST THING EVER.
It’s this:
8 June 2007
Screwing myself with my hand
If you are a regular reader of this website, you know that your girl Pistol is a Thinker. You’ll often find me musing about such fascinating and diverse topics as Art and Technology, not to mention weighing in on the most important and controversial issues of today! I’m basically a public intellectual.
Thoughts come at me […]
6 June 2007
Magazine party!!!
I contracted some sort of illness, not to mention the usual case of nervous exhaustion, during my Alabama sojourn (more on that later… uh, maybe), so today it was Make-Your-Own-Sanatorium at the Pistol residence. That means sunbathing on the piazza, buttered noodles, and magazines.
Read this entry >>5 June 2007
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Plus a Chocolate Milkquake.
Ugggggghhhhh.
1 June 2007
Postcard from underneath the bleachers
I suggested a late-night stroll beneath the mimosa trees. They smelled like heaven in the dark.
Mr. Pistol had other ideas. He took me to the high school football field–Home of the Tigers! the signs say–and pulled out a flask of Crown.
A girl’s gotta watch out around here. Cuz boy, one thing sure leads to another!
27 May 2007
Barbecue blues
Yesterday Mr. Pistol and I had our first barbecue of the year, and it was a lively and well-populated event. I made lemonade with mint, two peach-and-ginger trifles, and a pasta salad. Mr. Pistol grilled with grace and aplomb, not to mention excellent timing. My pasta salad got a marriage proposal. The lemonade tasted divine […]
Read this entry >>25 May 2007
Gag gag me at gagagag
Everybody, there’s something I want to talk to you about. Something that’s bothering me. And if it doesn’t stop, I AM GOING TO STAB MY EYES OUT. Or at least stop reading blogs.
It’s this:
24 May 2007
I don’t wanna baby that looks like that!
I thought I had a rudimentary understanding of genetics. Like, I thought Steve Malkmus and I would surely have beautiful children.
Fuck!
I’m better off breeding with a primordial dwarf!
At least that one looks human.
[This is totally stolen from Lindsayism. You can also straight to the source and waste lots of time here.]
22 May 2007
Do you get sick of me?
Because I get sick of myself.
Blargh.
When I do something, I really do it. Like: I might listen to all the Silver Jews records in my possession (well, except the newest one) like 476 times, reread Actual Air, and send Mr. Pistol a text that says, “Do you think if David Berman met me, he would […]
21 May 2007
Postcard from Firecracker
She goes to a conference in New Orleans but ends up in…
Nice work, sis!
Read this entry >>20 May 2007
Sunday. G’night.
Read this entry >>
19 May 2007
Read this entry >>
17 May 2007
It’s a mystery.
Every single time I’ve worn these shoes, I’ve gotten a compliment on them from a dude.
Not trying to brag, y’all; I honestly think it’s weird. Boys never notice my shoes otherwise. (Do they?) And c’mon, these are German old lady shoes. What?
They even work on Mr. Pistol. He’s all, “Did you get your hair cut […]
15 May 2007
The mirror is dangerous. But I can’t put it down!
“Rory” is the kind of dude who uses his girlfriend’s name for all his passwords. A romantic, like.
That never occurred to me, maybe because my heart is cold?
Naw, Mr. Pistol’s real-life name is just much too short.
Anyway, stop it with your identity theft schemes right this instant. Even if you were to hack into “Rory’s” […]
14 May 2007
TMI
Okay, so:
I was raised by hippies.
I’m totally narcissistic.
I’m a little bit of a hypochondriac.
Do the math, and it shouldn’t come as a surprise that I’m endlessly fascinated by my own menstrual cycle!
Luckily, there’s mymonthlycycles.com, the menstruation tracker! You can set it up so you get an email that says, perhaps, “RIPE WOMB” when you’re about […]
13 May 2007
I Hate the World #3
I hate modern psychiatry, and all it has wrought.
Earlier this week, my 24-year-old cousin drank a bottle of vodka and put his head through a wall. He ended up in a psych hospital, where they diagnosed him bipolar and started him on meds. His mom wasn’t surprised, because she’d already diagnosed him herself. ( “He […]
12 May 2007
But will your package clear Customs?
Had lunch at DuMont Burger today with Mr. Pistol and Mr. Shaky, and dudes were talking about their jobs. Booooooring!
Pistol: Who are these people in your offices anyway?
Mr. P: I don’t know. They all live in New Jersey.
Pistol: Are any of them, like, good-looking?
Mr. P: None of them are especially good-looking.
Shaky: Nobody in […]
11 May 2007
Grey Gardens, Pistol-style
Didja ever have a whole week where you couldn’t latch on to anything?
Case in point: I wrote that sentence like an hour ago. And I haven’t really done anything in the last hour except put my hair up, and rebutton the top two buttons of my nightgown. That, and a little bit of pacing.
So yeah, […]
10 May 2007
Oops!
I used the wrong email address to reply to a work email. It’s all Sidekick’s fault.
My boss was concerned…
From: Boss Lady
Sent: Wednesday, May 09, 2007 1:49 PM
To: Big Boss; Computer Guy
I sent this email to the faculty distribution list and got this response. How did this “pistol whip” get my email?
Heh!
I gotta keep this […]
9 May 2007
For once not a hater.
I didn’t have high expectations for the Arcade Fire at the United Palace Theater last night. I thought I hated that place. And even though I’m into the new record–it took me awhile to let it into my heart but I really do love it now!–I couldn’t help being a little backlashy.
Boy, was I ever […]
8 May 2007
Like like the the the death
This weekend, I went to Boston to witness Firecracker’s wedding dress search.
You probably already know how I feel about weddings, because that’s like all I ever write about. That, and death.
Yep:
I hate weddings!
I’m afraid of/obsessed with dying!
That’s basically it. In the interest of time, you might want to stop reading now.
3 May 2007
Night Id
Last night, after having been asleep some time, I woke up inexplicably angry. There was a cat curled against my shin, and I pushed it–hard–to make it go away. Splat: an ungraceful landing.
That wasn’t a very nice thing to do, I thought. But I shook it off, because I was still SO FUCKING MAD.
Mr. Pistol was sleeping […]
2 May 2007
Vomit/Gag
This may surprise you, coming from the interweb’s top site for “German sexcamp.”
I am a prude.
The Jane Guide to Boobs made me recoil in horror. Breasts are gross.
And penises? Scary. Just look at One D at a Time’s new poll. Forget voting; I think I just had a panic attack.
I’m popping an Ativan and taking […]
1 May 2007
Mr. B-A-D
I haven’t been following the Phil Spector trial, which is weird, because I am usually completely riveted by a sordid dark-side-of-Hollywood tale. Dissipated celebrities, creepy mansions, curdled genius, crushed dreams, guns. Sunset Boulevard, duh!
The slideshow of the crazy motherfucker’s hair over the years in Sunday Styles struck me as a crass trivialization of a Serious […]
29 April 2007
Read no evil
This morning I picked up the New Yorker and starting reading Atul Gawande’s article on aging. It raised my hackles almost immediately.
First of all, the thing about “the now famous worm C. elegans.” I thought, a worm is famous and I’m not??? That’s NOT FAIR. Plus, they’re going to give a worm that name? Lucky […]
27 April 2007
Friday evening at Youpers (REAL TIME)
Mr. Pistol: You walk out the door and you spend a hundred dollars.
Left Hook: You buy cotton candy and a condom and it’s a hundred dollars.
Beat.
Left Hook: By the way, that’s my perfect day.
26 April 2007
Pistol Whip is tested by God
This sort of trial is always threefold. I had to:
stand on the L platform
ride the train
walk up Bedford
between 10:00 and 10:30 pm on a Thursday night whilst holding a shopping bag emblazoned with the words RK BRIDAL.
Father, I asked, why hast thou forsaken me?
There was no answer.
24 April 2007
Sha-la-lee
Meet my ideal man.
[Sorry to horn in on your territory, Lefty. I’m LOVESTRUCK.]
“FOR THE TIME BEING BABY LIVE BY MY RULES” + that falsetto = the complete package.
***Bonus***
refers to sex as “making time.”
wants to get married.
P.S. Do you think it’s possible that “Two Faces Have I” is a metaphor for the falsetto/non-falsetto duality?
P.P.S. Oooh, this […]
23 April 2007
Spring, sprung
FILE UNDER: If you have to ask…, I can’t help myself, I’m an asshole
Read this entry >>22 April 2007
Sexantics
On Friday at acupuncture, I thought about the phrase “sex life” for a long time. You know how if you say a word over and over again, you start wondering if you might be mistaken, maybe it’s not actually a word after all, because suddenly it sounds crazy and the letters seem to be randomly […]
Read this entry >>19 April 2007
Children are cute, blahblahblah
I haven’t really been working lately–I mean at my job… my life is like 100% Work and I am sooooooo busy–but I had to go to school a couple days this week to do a project with the children. A wall-hanging which was inspired by another wall-hanging I saw in an Italian nursery school, to […]
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