Archives for the 'hopes and dreams' Category
Workin’ on livin’
I am lucky because at my job, everybody loves me. I don’t mean like when that lady at your office brings in cookies and everyone is like, “OMG I love you!” but actually they are all completely indifferent to her, except for an occasional stinging flash of pity, and are obviously just taking the […]
Read this entry >>What about the childrens?
Things have been rocky since I found out about Daddy’s Other Family.
Lefty: WASN’T I ENOUGH FOR YOU?
Daddy: You didn’t provide the intellectual stimulation I required.
Lefty: Huh?
Daddy: My mind needs stroking, too.
Lefty: What?
Daddy: My other wife’s really smart. She works for a think tank.
Lefty: But that’s my job! Ask anybody! It’s been my thing FOR YEARS.
Daddy: […]
It’s a Date, David Rees!!!
Sigh.
Dear Mailing List My Beloved Left Hook,
I am coming out of retirement for two live performances in celebration of two of my favorite things: AFFORDABLE ART and ISLAMOFASCISM.
1. ISLAMOFASCISM
Soft-spoken conservative intellectual David Horowitz has designated October 22-26 as “Islamofascism Awareness Week.” (http://www.terrorismawareness.org/)
In case you didn’t know, we are fighting World War IV with Islamofascists– […]
Off the dole
They took away my gimp card on the first day of September, as per Dr. Lifesaver’s instructions. Soon after that, I had my monthly meeting with the Scar Club and for the first time, I thought, Hey, I don’t actually have much in common with these people anymore. Then, last week, Dr. Chen told me […]
Read this entry >>Cringeasana
I’ve been waiting pretty much my entire life for a stranger with a skateboard to talk to me on the street.
Well guys, it finally happened!!!
Except, it wasn’t exactly how I dreamed it would be. Sigh. Like they say: be careful what you wish for; you just might get humiliated on the street by a pack […]
Dreamlandia
Maybe the worst part of the trip to Brazil was the fact that the following conversation with Christian Fernando F., brother of Marcelo and the Hook family transportation specialist, took place the night before we left:
Fernando: So, do you need a prescription to buy drugs in the United States?
Pistol: Yes.
Fernando: Really? You need a prescription?
Pistol: […]
Dear Phoenix,
I can relate.
Heart,
Pistol
P.S. Cute title, Economist!
No future
One day not long ago, Left Hook and I were discussing her career conundrum on the telephone. Lefty agonized, and I attempted to reassure her. I told her that she was brilliant and talented and thoroughly delightful (and how!), and that I was positive she would figure it out.
She sighed, unconvinced. “What about you? Do […]
Friday evening at Youpers (REAL TIME)
Mr. Pistol: You walk out the door and you spend a hundred dollars.
Left Hook: You buy cotton candy and a condom and it’s a hundred dollars.
Beat.
Left Hook: By the way, that’s my perfect day.
My Heart is Made of Gravy
I’m no girly girl. Spring heralds panic because it means no more jeans and motorcycle boots, and I don’t fucking wear heels. Paying for haircuts is for losers. And don’t get me started on tweezing your eyebrows into those creepy silent-actress half-moons.
But still, I’m in love with this dress.
Narcissism Loser
So, I’m a little obsessed with AwStats. It’s fun to check them throughout the day! Or maybe not fun, exactly. Maybe more like I can’t help it? And it’s compulsive? And a little crazy? And nothing is going to be different than it was two minutes ago but I CAN’T FUCKING STOP MYSELF?
It’s interesting to […]
All lost at Woodbury Commons
Remember when we went on that all-day adventure with Inspector Corset to those celebrated-but-in-reality-pretty-fucking-disappointing outlets in not-New Jersey? And how people stared at us the entire time we were there? I guess there were some reasons. Like how we were the weird kids who packed our own lunch to eat in the Food Court. It […]
Read this entry >>Happy Birthday, Mr. Pistol!
“Look to the horizon, spread your wings and fly!”
Read this entry >>Bedpan mathematics
The other night at [redacted]’s place, he was telling me about a medical experiment he guinea-pigged for a couple of years ago. He made $4,000. The experiment had something to do with muscle atrophy, so he spent 10 days in a hospital bed. He could sit up, but his legs were not allowed to move. […]
Read this entry >>Operation Short Story
I have got to get my act together. My reading diet is leaving me kind of wan. It involves way too much internet ephemera–probably because my desk chair is the best chair in the house, or actually, probably because I’m a sad, reality-avoiding loafer with adult-onset ADD. In addition to that, my routine includes the […]
Read this entry >>Pistol’s Goal For The Week
LESS DRINKING, MORE THINKING.
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