Archives for the 'laffs' Category
“She” Didn’t Say Anything
In the park with AS.
LH: It’s this machine, whaddaya call it, like a giant oil derrick, and it pounds the earth, KA-JOOM, KA-JOOM, KA-JOOM.
AS: A pile-driver!
LH: Yes, exactly. It wakes me up in the morning. And like, my bed is vibrating and everything’s pounding.
AS: I know what you mean. When I lived in Hoboken…
In the […]
The part where she says the lyrics.
I’ve been telling people (okay, really just Pistol) about my new favorite radio show, Fair Game. It’s like they went into my brain, analyzed the funny receptors, and figured out how to pump the required elixir through the air. I suggest you try it. The first segment of today’s episode was full of quintessential yuks […]
Read this entry >>I am hoping this will cheer you up a little, Lefty
Remember? Funny? We laugh?
Sigh.
Anyways:
That is Bryan “Bug” Jennings of the Defibrillators performing his rejected Axe Body Spray rap at the Rejection Show in December. Thank you Jon Friedman.
Read this entry >>Embarrassment 101
My computer just said the word “PENIS.” Really loudly. In the library.
All I did was click on the image of a Maya word glyph, thinking it would enlarge (heh). I didn’t know audio was involved! And I wasn’t playing favorites. Penis happens to be aat, so it was the first glyph on the page.
I quickly […]
Read this entry >>Hamnanigans
Left Hook answers the burning questions of the day.
How the fuck is Owen Wilson?
Owen is at home and resting comfortably. He’s not “fine,” nor is he “woe-ridden.” He didn’t use either of those words. He said he didn’t want to talk, but then he didn’t hang up the phone, either, so we did that thing […]
I wonder if my lawyer really thinks I’m pretty, or does she just say that cuz I’ve been paying her all these years?
Sometimes I have private jokes with myself. I think of them and I laugh out loud.
Lols!!!!!
Here’s the latest: I’ve stopped referring to my therapist as “my therapist” in my head. It’s much funnier to call her “my lawyer” instead!
For example:
I totally forgot to tell my lawyer about my latest sex dream! She’s gonna want to […]
Read this entry >>Bookpranker
I hogged this to myself for a while, but since robots in the Netherlands aren’t voracious readers of secondhand books, I guess it’s safe to let it loose. Northside Junk (in Williamsburg, corner of Driggs and N. 9) is selling all books for $1 each.
The book section used to be the best part of the […]
Low fidelity
Last night Youpers was insanely crowded like it was Saturday night, since the Beastie Boys show had just let out. Yuck. Secret Keeper managed to save three seats at the bar until Left Hook and I arrived, using only her leg and her wits. Oh, plus a DON’T FUCK WITH ME attitude. Duh.
Anyway it was […]
Greatest Ad Ever.
In craigslist free stuff:
Backstory, conflict, and comedy in 2 short sentences. My neighbors figured out what was happening might be the SHAPES of August.
btw: Park Slope. (Who knew it was so funny down there?)
Hahaha! Potato Cannon
16 days to go…
I had big plans for our Brazil trip. Because I am one of the stars of a hilarious and popular (imaginary) internet TV show, I think in terms of webisodes. This was going to be a great one. Imagine Pistol and Lefty at some teeming sexbeach in Rio…
So many wacky gags therein!!! Pistol, clad in […]
Read this entry >>Sicko
Last week I was really sick, but I kept going to shows, because I already had tickets, and at the shows I kept drinking, because drinking makes you feel better whether you’re sick or healthy. But, sigh, if you’re sick, it doesn’t make you get better. It makes you get worse. So, bad idea.
It was […]
Magazine party!!!
I contracted some sort of illness, not to mention the usual case of nervous exhaustion, during my Alabama sojourn (more on that later… uh, maybe), so today it was Make-Your-Own-Sanatorium at the Pistol residence. That means sunbathing on the piazza, buttered noodles, and magazines.
Read this entry >>twofer
The what.
Last night on the bathroom line at a popular Lower East Side bar, which on the weekends is swamped with cretinous 20-something girls who get dressed up to go out to bars, and the guys who hang out with them.
The warm up.
An annoying girl and her annoying friends are ahead of Left Hook on […]
Bloopers
The other girl at work ain’t the sharpest tack in the box.
Boss: …time code.
Left Hook (in a quavery old lady voice): I was born before time code.
Other Girl: What? Tie code?
Wednesday evening at work (REAL TIME) >>updated!
For a [adjectives redacted out of paranoia–ed.] project at my fake job, I have to write a list of questions for an instructional DVD about photography.
Right off the bat I was cracking myself up:
How important is your equipment?
Heh!
And then, after a long list of questions like, “Do you have a make-up kit in your […]
But will your package clear Customs?
Had lunch at DuMont Burger today with Mr. Pistol and Mr. Shaky, and dudes were talking about their jobs. Booooooring!
Pistol: Who are these people in your offices anyway?
Mr. P: I don’t know. They all live in New Jersey.
Pistol: Are any of them, like, good-looking?
Mr. P: None of them are especially good-looking.
Shaky: Nobody in […]
Oops!
I used the wrong email address to reply to a work email. It’s all Sidekick’s fault.
My boss was concerned…
From: Boss Lady
Sent: Wednesday, May 09, 2007 1:49 PM
To: Big Boss; Computer Guy
I sent this email to the faculty distribution list and got this response. How did this “pistol whip” get my email?
Heh!
I gotta keep this […]
Spring, sprung
FILE UNDER: If you have to ask…, I can’t help myself, I’m an asshole
Read this entry >>Comedy crime?
Via the NY Times: somebody stole almost $12,000 worth of underthings from a Victoria’s Secret in Jersey City.
An insightful observation from Lt. Edgar Martinez, a spokesman for the Jersey City Police Department:
“That’s a lot of underwear.”
Reporter Jonathan Miller brings a touch of poetry to his title.
Revealing Garments, Spirited Away in Concealing Bags
Is that two-thirds of […]
Live the Life
As I made my way down the bone zone that is the Bedford Ave subway platform, surrounded by leering gaywads, who, it seems, have never seen a girl wear a skirt before, I was once again struck by the phenomenon Pistol Whip has so helpfully pointed out in these pages:
Female + hangover = Oak City.
It […]