Haha! What’s funny is the idea that a man with these teeth could ever be a dentist.

What isn’t funny is the rest of the movie.

LH: It’s this machine, whaddaya call it, like a giant oil derrick, and it pounds the earth, KA-JOOM, KA-JOOM, KA-JOOM.
AS: A pile-driver!
LH: Yes, exactly. It wakes me up in the morning. And like, my bed is vibrating and everything’s pounding.
AS: I know what you mean. When I lived in Hoboken…

In the restaurant with YL.

LH: …and this fucking pile-driving is waking me up at 7:30 in the morning. And it goes all day.
YL: How can you [redacted]?
LH: Well, the pile-driving comes in my back door, and I [redacted] by the front.
YL: (looking at check, not paying attention) I see.

On the phone with 311

LH: Does it have to start at 7:30 in the morning???
311: Construction hours are 7am to 3pm, ma’am.
LH: They can pile-drive at seven in the morning? That’s not very civilized.
311: Would you like to file a complaint?
LH: It is so loud! I can’t even hear myself scream! And it shakes my bed!
311: That’s a Department of Housing complaint. I’ll transfer you.
LH: (Sighs) Oh, all right. Thanks.

PLEASE SOMEONE RELEASE ME.

No problem.

(more…)

They seem compatible.

Maybe it’s their hair.

That poor turtle is now a celebrity (see here, and elsewhere). This morning as I wiped down my chairs to enjoy my first al fresco breakfast of the season, there was a two-man CBS news crew in the yard next to mine, getting the video exclusive. The woman reporter spent ten minutes fixing her hair and make-up. It took about three minutes to get the story on tape.

Afterwards, the reporter said, “I’ll probably get twenty emails about this story and none about the shooting.” I wasn’t sure what shooting she meant, but it sounded wise and cynical and sad and true. And thus my morning. Watch the turtle exposé on CBS, tonight at 6.

Enter Pork and Hominy Stew. It is the most delicious, satisfying, simple thing in the whole world. I made it like three times in February, five times in March, and when I was planning what to make for Big Daddy and his fiancé when they come over for dinner next week, I didn’t have to think twice. Clap clap! Signature dish.

I’m pretty psyched Big Daddy is coming over: I haven’t seen him in a very long time. In fact, I had to find out about his engagement from a third party. Our estrangement is due to the fact that his cat has been in my freezer for over a year, awaiting burial at his father’s house in Pennsylvania. OVER A YEAR. Big Daddy felt so guilty about it that he wriggled away into silence.

I foresee a few jokes about what, exactly, is the meat in my Signature Dish.

Son Plans to Publish Nabokov’s Last Novel

All right, not really. It’s for my basement. Imagine: futon-couch, two folding tables, a 20-pack of toilet paper, and a ficus tree. It’s like the suburbs down here.

Anyway, the point! I think Dwight Schrute is in charge of Futon Covers Online™: The Web’s Original Futon Cover Store. For example, it’s a little weird that the various lines of futon covers are called programs. And that there’s a tutorial video. Also, this:

For $58, (the price of our full sized solid premium futon cover) which includes free shipping, you’re going to get a finely crafted American made product, with strong, vibrant color, double stitching on all sides, and a fat, nylon toothed zipper that would strip the bark off of a tree if you beat the tree with it.

!!!